i. MIGHT… need to resolve my sexual trauma ..

guess what thd tw is for. sexual trauma. 

today I listened to a good song about love and it’s sent me into this afternoons spiral about love. What it feels like to be loved and what it feels like to love. I’m getting stressed just writing this.. people have told me that I need to get into RASAC care again and this spiral is making me realise that there is definitely something I’m not seeing.. the severity of what happened to me, something I don’t remember? I don’t know. But clearly everyone knows something I don’t. Clearly what happened to me matters more than I thought it did, and I thought I knew the extent of it, which is large. So how large can it even be? 

Yesterday I had something like this too. I had intrusive thoughts about my friend’s friend doing something bad to me and I got tactile hallucinations on my hips and other places and it made me feel disgusted. It’s happened before, it happens sometimes, it sucks and feels terrible. That’s another sign this might be bigger than I thought it was. 

The idea of loving someone else makes me feel sick. I’m aroace, so it’s rare if not impossible,  and I also have highly suspected conduct disorder that is developing into NPD right before my eyes. This is all important because this all means that I, at a base level, cannot exactly feel love. I’ve never loved another. I’ve never felt really loved before. I was never brought up with love, so not only is it completely alien to me, it isn’t even something I yearn for all that much. It’s like trying to explain to a hedgehog what a car is; it can maybe enjoy the idea of quick transportation, but aside from that, it yearns for nothing close to it and feels nothing close to it because it’s alien to the hedgehog. 

The idea of loving someone else. The idea of feeling that unnatural, unconsensual reaction in my stomach, the lust that I may feel for connection, for love, terrifies me to my core. When I was 10 I based all of my morality upon ‘I will not be like my harasser. I will not be lustful af all.’ and, though I know that lust isn’t always sexual (same with love), my body sees it as the same. Luckily there is hardly any loving feelings to send away as I hardly feel them due to my traumas, but the idea sends me into a scared frenzy. It’s an unconsensual feeling like everything that’s ever happened to me. 

No one.. deserves love, either. Not in my opinion. From what I’ve felt, from what I see, from what I know love to be from behind my glass pane in which I observe it through, I recognise that it is divine. None of you creatures deserve such a thing. It feels like something that should be left merely for our consciousness, our fourth-dimensional spiritual selves to play with, not our animal selves down here. It’s an emotion too big for our bodies, and too divine for our sinful, terrible nature. So I feel angry at the idea of any disgusting person feeling that. I think this idea has came from me seeing my parents being loved and loving others, I often compared them to breeding insects, because that’s how I see them. That’s how I feel about you all. None of us deserve love. Not even me. It isn’t an emotion for dirtied hands like the ones we have to hold. I do not think I have been more scared, disgusted, and fearful on my life. I want to smash this whole concept with a hammer and watch the blood splatter. Do not love the insect, the monster next to you. You’re all monsters. Do not love the boy writing this, the monster you’re looking at now. 

psychoanalyse me or something. ok bye