i miss being little

i miss being little

from 1-9

10-12 got a little shitty

i mean its still shitty

but 1-9, that age group was nice for me

id giggle as my dad pushed me on the swings

id play with little cupcake dolls that smelt real good and when you pushed their skirts up and put their hat up they turned into cupcakes. god i loved those

id also play with this little parrot toy that would repeat everything you said in a high pitched voice, it did more i think but i cant remember. i lost mine, i brought it to my moms best friends house and just forgot about it. i think their dog ate it.

OH! there were these little dolls i collected and played with called "Blooms" and they were so cute! they were in these plastic pots with a paper top and you would pour water on the paper and your doll would pop out! they were so cute and their hair was squishy.

and those monkeys that clung to your finger! i was scared of those for some reason.

id always wait for my favorite sequin shirts to come out of the washer and drier.

id cry and cry and cry if we had to pull one of my baby teeth, god i hated it! It was some fear, dunno why but i just was so terrified. i cried so much i threw up!

i had a barbie dreamhouse with a elevator and i loved playing with it, i had multiple ken dolls but sometimes id just make the barbies lesbian for fun, didnt even know what that was. 

For One of my birthdays i had it at my house, i had a bunch of money in my wallet in my room, a cute pusheen wallet. After the party we wanted to go to walgreens to buy me a bloom and when i looked in my wallet everything was gone. Someone stole it.

i was obsessed with pink and unicorns

my hair was a cute curly brown that touched my butt

i was the cutest girl in all my classes and then i changed

cut it all off, started to like "dark" things instead of the cute unicorn cat stuff

and buried her deep down. 

"im getting older, all of that is childish!" 

yeah well i sure regretted that. but im too scared to bring her back

i miss her so much

i miss past me

but if i even dare to become her again at my age ill be bullied

"uhm are you a age player?"

"Arent you too old to be dressing like that"

"yeah so you know how old you are right?"

nothing traumatic really happened either to make me bury that past away

i mean sure my dad screamed alot and couldnt control his anger, but he never hit me and my mom, he would never do that!

but i had to put on my hello kitty headphones and turn on my pink cat ipad, turn my music on full blast or play a game, maybe watch kindlykeyin or another youtuber as my mom and dad argued. i still do that. i still turn up music all the way and cry as my dad screams and screams.

im trapped

i dont know who to be

a bubbly kid? after all i am still  a kid.

or a depressed teen who cant take it anymore.