i miss my mom

even though my mom was neglectful growing up and she was angry alot and is probably the leading reason that i am the way that i am it took me a long time to realize that even leading into my late teens, like i always valued any time i rarely got to spend with her, especially cause she suddenly started wanting to be present in my life when i was 17 and well past the point of really needing her, i miss living with her and having someone who cared about whether i was eating or if i had weird little health issues because the truth is when she was actually there she did care about me a lot, and my dad is a lot different, because i live with him and i really favored him growing up for obvious reasons, but my dad has no connections to our extended family, so when im with him its really just me and him and thats okay it just gets kinda boring.. and my dad dosent know how to handle emotions at all so i really just have not ever had an outlet to my emotions and that shit kills you, because lets be honest your friends can only do so much, and it might just be me but, i have seriously burdened people with my emotions throughout my life, and it seems like the older i get the less i am willing to talk about my emotions beyond happiness and such things that are positive and like.. what you might actually want to hear about, and i have this belief that therapy is the only thing that can fix me, sometimes i think it might also be the people around me, or well this one person but i would never have the heart to let him go, but without describing that too much, imagine a codependent friendship.. but i feel like im the one whos more dependant i just try not to show it these days. but when he gets mad at me it deadass feels like the walls are closing in on me and the world is gonna end, and honestly whatever these deep rooted psychological problems are probably the initial fault of my mom, but when you go out in the world beyond the nest of your parents houses, and you go and get yourself traumatized in and out of home life.. is it their fault or yours.. or both? i dont know bru