I miss my old self (vent)

I miss myself a year ago. Sure I was still figuring out myself, my gender, what kind of person I wanted to be, how I wanted to treat others. I miss how I used to smell. Mabye I love myself before I became like this, before I became a closeted trans. Does that make my need and want to be trans less real? I’d like to think I was a better person then, but god knows that isn’t true. Mabye the thing I miss most about myself then was how I felt about myself. Mabye I wasn’t as self conscious then, or mabye I’m not self conscious at all. Everybody around me tells me what is better for me in the long run than what I want to hear. Even if I am crying loud they still ask why I do what I do rather than comforting me. Why don’t me parents just give me some love instead of always trying to argue there opinion. If they can’t simply love me or stop arguing then why don’t they just leave me alone. Is that much to ask? I wish they could tell me that it’s gonna be okay, but in a real way, not in the scripted way they make it seem. I know it could have been worse, and I should be grateful I have a family that helps me with school work, even though when I go out of line I end up getting hurt. I always slap myself in the face, today I dug my fingernails into my face. And my face got really red. I hurt myself when I do something wrong, because I’m pathetic. Because I’m pathetic. Because I’m pathetic. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I wish i could just be a better person, a more intelligent one. Like I wish I was better in general. But nothing I do will change who I am. I don’t want to hurt myself, and those memory’s are gonna be in my mind forever. The look in my eyes. How unrecognizable I looked when I was filled with tears looking the mirror. I choke myself, I slap myself on the left side of my head (right from my perspective), I pull my hair out, I scratch my face, I hate doing this stuff and I wish I could stop. But mabye I was never doing well. Mabye I always did this, and the past tense boyfriend I had never existed, mabye he was always the fucked up tranny. I hate my life. I try to make something creative, people distract me, I try to love other people, they reject me, other people do actually love me, but it’s usually only my family. The only thing I have to live for is to complain about my identity and my suicidal urges, and just keep on making shitty music. So if you don’t like me, you have a reason to.