I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! (Journal entry #1)

˚₊‧꒰ა . ——— ˗ˏˋ ✮ ˎˊ˗ ——— ˖ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Hellooo!! I'm gonna start doing these little entries when im feeling down and ya'll can read it cus i like hearing other people's opinions and not feeling alone about situations in my life.

I am an 18 year old in college and I am desperately trying to take control of my life, but my parents keep interfering with everything. I still live under their roof and I know that I have to live by their rules, which I have respected my whole life, but it got to a point where I just don't wanna do that shit anymore. I keep holding myself back from doing the things i truly want to do because I don't know how to trust my intuition. How to trust my ability to make decisions. Sometimes I can't help but ask myself, "what would my mom think of me?" before I make any important decisions.

I hate it. I hate myself for it.

It literally stops me from doing anything I want. It's like no matter where I go, I can feel my mom's eyes on me when I go out. AND I BARELY GO OUT AS IS!! I'm rarely ever given permission to go and hang out with my friends, and when I do, my mom texts and calls me to check up on me. She always has to know what I'm doing. She ALWAYS has to know where I am. SHE ALWAYS HAS TO KNOW WHO I'M WITH OR TALKING TO. And going out with my friends is the only time I can get a break and relax bc min you, we are a family of 6 including my cat. I have 2 younger siblings whom I've had to take care of and they're both incredibly ungrateful and can be a bunch of brats at times. I love them, but they can be too much.

And I have a boyfriend amd we have been together for 5 months. I love him so so so so much, and starting a relationship with him was a hard desicion for me. Because I knew how hard it was gonna be to be with him with how strict my parents are. I went against my parents for the first time and at first i felt relieved. But as time passed, I wish I had never told them I had a boyfriend. The first few months, I wasn't allowed to go out with him, and when i would get home from college, they'd ask if i spent my whole day with him and make rude, condescending remarks (they still kinda do this but more subtly). All my mom does is tell me that i am wasting my time with him and that I should break up with him WHICH I WON'T DO.

Now I am only allowed to go to the mall with him. I AM SO BORED OF THE MALL we've only gone to the mall alone together  ￣へ￣. I love him so much and all the time we get to spend together is more than what I can ask for, but I just wish I could do more with him. But I'm always to scared to ask for permission to go out and I don't know how to gain some control and just say, "I'm going out tomorrow" instead of saying, "can I go out tomorrow?"

I don't know what to do guys.