i probably have (NON SEXUAL) masochism

[TW for.. self harm, obviously]

I’ve been getting along better for the past week or so. My OCD thoughts have lessened, my friend is finally listening to me, Ive got a new interest and Halloween is soon and I have a load of money. Everything is perfect. But part of the reason why I enjoyed this week so much is because I have been destroying myself. 

Not straight-up cutting myself. I stopped doing that. But GOD do I like doing other stuff. Burning myself, starving myself, not taking my supplements, not taking care of my leg, sleep deprivation, all of it. I don’t do it from a place of self hatred.. I never harmed myself because I hated myself or because it was punishment. I did it because I liked how it felt and how the shock and pain entertained me. I’ve had this tendency since I was 10. 

Currently starvation is my favourite. The warmth in my stomach, the immediate sickness and dizziness, it really entertains me. Alongside barely sleeping it’s making life really fun though I think ive begun hallucinating. I think I only eat 1000 calories a day (sorry I’m not anorexic) when I usually eat 1.5-2k. maybe I’m eating less, I don’t really know. but I feel so good. That feeling of almost fainting every time I stand up makes me feel so fragile and precious. Staying up all night makes me feel like I’m in the community and burning myself is just divine. I’m genuinely using myself as a human stimboard rn