I read about the afterlife, but I never really lived

its been a month since i've had sleep paralysis last. been a month since i've last seen my sleep paralysis demon. my demon, however, didn't stand by my bed. didn't peek from the closet door. he was on-top of me, crushing me. sounds edgy, right? i wish. i really thought it'd be over, but that's dumb of me to think. why would anything in my life get better? i wonder if thats how it feels to be dead. no breath, no pain, unable to move, unable to speak. a heavy weight on your chest [well, for most cases of death, i'm sure that's not how it feels. ] clouded head and feeling nothing but fear.

this morning wasn't the greatest. to be fair, none of my mornings are. for the past decade, i've woken up in the middle of the night. every single night. i'm wide awake, afraid, alert, uncomfortable. it stopped for a few weeks, but now it's back. heres my simulation of this morning.

i listen to music and try to distract myself. i feel okay enough to shut my eyes and go to sleep. it's silent, now. i sleep. i wake up again, only to be short of breath. i close my eyes to be met with loud whispers and unsettling images. i have ocd, so that's something i deal with anyway. i try to go to sleep. i "wake" up. my eyes closed, i can't open them. i can't move. cant get up. cant open my mouth. cant open my eyes. can't do a single fucking thing. i finally manage to squint my eyes open after the overwhelming fear and whispers, yet i still can't move. eventually, i get to move! i'm panting, as if i finished some kind of work out. i look around my room frantically. my throat feels dry, my body feels like liquid. then i get up and go on with my day.

thats what i'm supposed to do,

right?