i think ill lose my mind in hysteria!

life is lowwwkeeyy mid now, no its always been mid but i just dont really have a reason to keep going in the real world

i think the most exciting stuff that happens in my life is always online, i hate school, i hate going outside, i like it here in my comfort space where i dont constantly feel like people are following me or watching me or going after me

but in a way, the smallest thing that happens irl can make my mood WAYYY too up, even if its so small, or even if there IS no reason to be so happy. same goes for being way too depressed or if im going through a bad depressive episode, theres no reason for it, i dont know why its like that

i miss people too much, im constantly missing my boyfriend or online friends when im at school, im constantly missing my computer, my lava lamp, my plushies, ok sure they arent people but they are in my heart ok? ok. i miss my sibling figure a lot, i miss when they went to my school, i hate my school, its so fucking lame and boring without them

i cant help but to feel really lonely always, even if i have so much loving people in my life, the second they arent around it feels like it was never enough, or as if it was never real. it is my fault im alone for most of the day since i just keep isolating myself from everyone, mainly at school. everyone there irritates me too easily, i dont like talking to people

but in a way that also makes me love school,, for some reason??? I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!! everything i am, im just a big walking contradiction, i cant ever be consistent about ANYTHING!!

i need more actual reasons to stay alive, all of my reasons already are silly enough, im sure if my family or school peers were to hear then they would deem it as silly and unserious

also i hate my constant mood swings so much,,, i hate constantly going through the cycle of "i love my life and i will continue to live because i am someone worth of living" to "whats the point of living no one will ever miss me everyone would be better off if i were to kill myself" to "i dont care anymore" within the timespan of 30 minutes every fucking day

whats the point of even trying anymore