i think im done with religion

so like my grandma was already saying how me and everyone else in my family should go to church and i didn't want to go. i didn't want to go church. today didn't go as planned like how my grandma had thought because not only was it late but get dressed up was a problem because no one was prepared except my grandparents. i haven't been to church in years. last time i went was before covid even happened. the whole argument i ended up having with my mom was over something stupid. stockings. so i was forced to wear a dress which i hate and it makes me feel uncomfortable and dysphoric and to add to that my mom wanted me to wear stockings to go to church. those things are always so itchy and uncomfortable to wear i hated wearing them as a kid. anyways i was telling my mom i didn't want to wear it but she told me that if i don't wear it i'll look like a bum and i said no because not everybody wears stockings like be so fr. hell i didn't even want to wear this stupid dress i was telling my family i would rather wear like a formal shirt and pants to go to church but her and my grandparents kept telling me that only men wear that. like thanks a lot for saying that but i genuinely don't give a fuck. im agender. im not a man or a woman so i can wear whatever the fuck i want. i don't care about these stupid gender stereotypes and norms of what you should and should not wear. that just doesn't apply to me but ofc they don't know that. the argument just kept getting worse and my mom said since i don't want to go to church and don't do what she says then to give her the dress and to not talk to her at all and that if i want to go to hell i can go. like i genuinely don't care anymore. all i keep hearing about is heaven and hell. if i go to hell then so be it. that's always been to make me scared but now im just like over it. im over god. religion. church and all this other shit. i mean if anything my grandparents could've gone to church early if they wanted to but no they had to drag us in it. my grandma is always forcing me to do these bible lessons and try to make be get baptized when i don't want to. i wasn't even ready or prepared. how is doing all these lessons gonna dictate what i should do?? none of this shit about the bible or god makes any sense to me. im tired of hearing about it tired of feeling ashamed for being who i am by my own family because they want me to be like what god wants me to be, tired of doing this shit because none of it makes any sense to me. tired of feeling scared about what the bible has to say and what people say about it god is coming soon or stuff about satan. there's just a lot of questions i have that can never be answered and if i ask another christian those same questions they wouldn't even know themselves. no one knows when god is coming. no one knows what's gonna happen. if anything my life how i live doesn't even feel real to me this all just feels like a simulation. some big joke that i don't see coming. i hate that i can never make my own choices or decisions or even think for my fucking self. live my own life i can't do none of that shit because everyone keeps doing everything for me. im sick and tired of it. im sick and tired of praying to god over and over for things to be better to have a good change in my life but things always just keep getting worse. why can't i choose whether to believe if god is real or not? why do i have to just follow and believe anyways or else i'll get shamed or hurt for it?? it's just crazy to me. living in a toxic abusive religious household has made me realize this. i wish i never had to be quiet about my true feelings about this. i was already losing faith but now i just think im done with it. im done with christianity and religion all together. everything just seems like one big cult to give people this sense of hope when things are bad and i mean if that's what they believe in then that's fine but for me i just think that all this hope and faith is a big lie. that everything is just false and nobody knows shit. im just tired of all of this. tired of feeling this way because of all the guilt and shame my family put me through for being different. for wanting to not be like them for wanting to just be my own person and have my own thoughts and feelings and stuff like that. it's honestly just doing more harm then done forcing religion religion on people. at least i would know because im one of those people.