I want to be innocent

(profile still under development,,, embarrassing!!!)

Hello there, it's been a hot minute since I posted.

I haven't felt like making a blog, so I didn't, even though I told myself I should journal more,,, I honestly thought about deleting this account because I knew I wouldn't be able to write down every single thing that was going on in my life, it feels like lying in a way, even though I know logically it's internet safety,,,

(how are you?) I have been fine, I've been attending my classes, getting high grades (though I wish they were higher,,,), I've been showing up to club events and workout classes (I even won a prize from attending so often!!!), I haven't made a new friend yet, and I haven't had a lot of time for my hobbies due to schoolwork, but I don't really mind, besides that's not what we're talking about. 

I feel the need to write now because this evening I got That Age Regression Itch caused by looking at found family media for too long. 

I've always loved the found family trope, even before I knew I was an age regressor (honestly, should've been a sign,,,). I love how characters, after feeling rejected by the rest of the world, form a deep relationship that cannot be broken, even though it makes my heart ache badly that I do not have the same support. 

A few tiktoks about the trope came onto my for you page led me to looking at a few tumblr posts and fanfics with the trope, but it just wasn't satisfying the urge. I didn't particularly want to read an age regression fic, I just wanted something where the characters adored each other. I kept feeling a sort of stiffness, a distance between the characters, with each work I came across, even though to my knowledge, that feeling was not intented by the authors. Don't get it wrong, it's not with all fics, I have most definetly read very good ones that fufill all of my boxes, but today I was strugging to find them. 

I started really thinking about my feelings around it and I realized that I didn't like how these characters were seperate. I felt like they acted more like a friend group than a family (I know, I know that's what found family is, stick around), they didn't sink and blend into each other like a family would. They didn't seem relaxed, they had a formality to them, like they were in a hotel or cafe and not their home. They still had questions about each other's preferences, moments they've never shared with each other, they were too much like individuals who happened to share a space (if any of that makes sense,,,). 

Then I started REALLY thinking about why this was bothering me so much (besides wanting to regress badly) and came to the conclusion that it was because I have never really been viewed as a child. I have always been an inconvience, unholy and rotten. I wanted to project myself onto characters that were beloved, adored, which I was strugging to find today. 

I tried going on the age regression subreddit (I know, I know, reddit ew) to see if anyone had the same feelings about it but I had no results, so I just started browsing. I came across a post from a person who was not a regressor, but was asking advice about how to help a friend who is a regressor.

That post really encapsulated what I wanted.

I want someone to peek into my life, look at me, and see me, raw and vulnerable, and decide that I could not and should not bear this alone. I feel like if I somehow found myself with a found family I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because "found families" in real life act like the people in the fics I was looking at. Stiff and distant, because we are all adults with seperate lives, not family. 

I actually thought about this a few weeks ago and tried to write my feelings into a story, where a character has a group of extremly close friends, so close that they're practially family. The main character (no, I never thought of a name,,,) has a dream where their friends are sickly sweet to them, somehow knowing exactly what they want and execute it flawlessly. When they wake up they're simply heartbroken, and it hurt even more to have to interact with the same people who they know will never indulge in their fantasy. 

I really tried to capture the feeling of devestation, knowing something can never be, like unrequited love you see in movies, but I just couldn't do it. I used to write a lot in middle school, (mostly edgy fables and the most embarassing fics you could imagine,,,,) but I haven't in years, and it just didn't felt right. 

I have absolutely nobody who would understand this and I remembered I had this blog,,, I mean,,, it is a vent blog after all jajaja. 

I don't remember how I've been ending these.

Ciao? Sayonara?