I want to be someone’s first choice

Ok so I have friends right they are all online friends I don’t have friends irl but I feel like all my online friends have their first choice and I’m more of a second choice or more likely a third I just want to have someone who picks me first when they get good news or drama and I can do the same and I only just realised this a month or so ago where I had some teenagers came up to me and said some shit (I already spoke abt this) and I went to trap my phone thinking oh yea u can’t wait to tell someone this !!! I ended up telling no one bc I had no one to tell yk and it’s the same when I have these suicidal thoughts like who do I tell who would even care so yea long story short I want a girl/guy who picks me first every time for news and I just want to be someone’s favourite person and I want them to be mine as well but I feel like when I try and talk to someone I’m just trying way to hard and I’m clingy I always text first with most ppl and it’s got to the point where I honestly don’t care and I may as well just stop all together and end it.