i want to rip my skin off

i want to rip my skin off

i want to rip my skin off, i have been for a white. if not literally physically then metaphorically. I feel so horrible in my skin that I really sometimes feel like I'll have to rip it off. 

All thanks to acne.

I've had acne since I turned 13/14. I'm in my 18th year of living now. At first I felt extremely uncomfortable and hated how I looked. my face, which i wanted to constantly cover with a mask because it felt like thousands of small burning erupting vulcanos under my skin that i just couldn't control. 

it really fucked up my view on myself and internalised much deeper than id like to admit. By the time i was 14 and a couple months i think i was actually depressed. I was never tested or diagnosed but looking back at it enough signs were there. I felt physically ugly in  a way I couldn't grasp myself which eventually formed an imposter syndrome so bad it's still having effects on me sometimes, especially in recent weeks.

The last two years my skin was fairly well, all that basically was left were scars. My skin never felt so clean, so good, so healthy. I thought I reached my goal, my long term aim. I even got attention from the other gender which occasionally really pushed my ego and confidence.

then there's now. My skin has gotten bad again and I'm not sure why. Is it stress? My eating habits? My general habits? just hormones? it went from good to bad in maybe 4-6 weeks. At first extremely dry to moments where my skin was peeling, I changed treatments. but after seeing the results ive changed to my old one. but my skin hasn't gotten particularly better and I can feel it starting to mess with me again. It feels like I've never made progress, never even got rid of it in the first place.

I feel insecure about my skin again, I feel bad when going outside, I feel bad sitting next to friends with clear skin because how can mine be so bad? I know it's not my fault and yet it feels like it is. I was told not to eat too many sweets because it would affect my skin; to not eat lots of dairy products because it would negatively affect my skin; to reduce stress as that's a main factor as well; always wash my face with cleanser, don't touch it if my hands are dirty, never touch it.

ive been there and i dont want to go back yet. It seems like I'm already there again.

acne has made me hate touching my skin, my face, my shoulders, my back, my  lower back. I hate when I myself touch my face, I despise it when others do. I'm scared they'll be disgusted. What if they are?

I cannot go on with my morning without washing my face and putting this cream on my face. It feels like a crime when I don't.

I can't eat sweet and sugary things with a good gut feeling because in the back of my mind I'll ruin my skin in the process.

I can't drink milk with a good feeling because it can technically worsen my skin a little.

and it's not like it's just that. acne hurts, i feel bad acne constantly. It's  like a mosquito bite. I want to scratch it, need to; to somehow scratch it off and make my skin clean and soft and nice. to somehow also get these scars away that probably will always stay a little even if faded. or so said my dermatologist. 

I feel like that has caused me to subconsciously skin pick, which would be even worse for acne. So I feel guilty for doing that.

I want to rip my skin off. to shed it like a reptile, to grow out of it like a butterfly. 

I want to take a cheese grater and drag it over my body until all imperfections are gone, until it's clean and free from little volcanoes. even if i bleed in the process. even that would be more pleasant. sometimes i actually consider doing it until i remember it'll probably get worse.

In the end, which isn't the end yet even if I wish it to be, acne gets so overlooked in my mind. I get told not to be so dramatic but it's so overstimulating and no one understands. when everything is already going south and then my face starts to burn or hurt or i subconsciously skin picked and now all the guilt is rushing back in.

guilt about touching my own face, about eating something deemed ‘unhealthy’, about dairy products, about not properly washing my face, about feeling ugly, about not washing my sheets and clothing enough.

I've been thinking about this so much because it's a real issue. however no one seems to even understand, at least not people without any skin illnesses or anything similar. 

maybe ive become obsessive about it but what would someone expect of me? ive been dealing with this since I was roughly 13, now I'm in my 18th year of life. acne can properly stay until 25. I fear the time until 25 by now because i don't want to continue living like this but I feel like nothing ever changes. I know acne doesn't define me nor does it make me actually ugly. It's even worse because everyone technically also tells me I'm ‘pretty’ anatomy wise. So acne is making me ugly?

I just wish this could be healed like bacterial sicknesses could be healed.

In the end my scars will probably always remember me though, it doesn't help that my skin easily forms these dark spots and I look like a failed cheetah-human-experiment.

edit: i accidentally made the blog look this way