i wish i was more masc so bad

i usually look more feminine and on a good day i look androgynous but i never look masculine, and when i do try i end up just looking like a tomboy. i can't do anything with my hair because its all short, and it just ends up looking like a pixie every time,,, idk maybe because i haven't tried styling yet,,,, and i can't get a binder bc my family will slime me out!!!!! and it just makes my gender dysphoria sm worse when i start thinking about it more,  and i stay up at night just thinking about the guy i could've been in another life. i usually don't mind looking feminine usually,,, but i wish i had more opportunities to express who i truly feel like i am. i haven't really said anything i know personally about this, because its scary to see how they'll see me after this, which is also why i've having a hard time accepting my feelings. i'm not sure if i really wanna be a guy, or if it's something i'll grow out of. i don't want people to call me a guy if they don't think they're seeing a guy (NO im not transmed btw... just rlly bad gender dysphoria..) and when i feel like i do start getting thoughts about giving myself a more masculine appearance one day, i get really insecure doing it, i just feel like a girl in guy's clothes, and everything from how i look, to how i talk is very feminine.. i don't have a problem with being a girl most days, but sometimes it hits really hard and i can't get over how i wasn't born a guy, and i'll never get to be. if i do transition, and i do find guy friends while im actively transitioning, i feel like i won't really be seen as a guy. but idk! sometimes i don't feel it, but then sometimes i feel it really bad... i think im gender-fluid because of how i feel, but i dont really want to put a label on it because im not really sure at all, i just wish how i could look more masculine when i want to.