Monday is the same as most days: wake up first, feed the cats, make breakfast, get yelled at for waking up the kids, make sure their teeth get brushed, hair gets combed, take my meds, the oldest has a project due today so I make sure he takes it with him.
We leave the house fashionable late but I’ve scheduled wiggle room in. That, combined with several lucky green lights, means we arrive at school on time. As they get out of the minivan my oldest realized he left his project on the kitchen counter and the youngest didn’t grab the lunch I made him last night. I would let him get food at the school cafeteria but he has a nut allergy and it’s too expensive anyhow.
The drive home is uneventful. My phone is out of data so it’s the radio. Every station has too many commercials so I tune into the college station even though I don’t like Jazz that much.
I left the car running when I pulled in and hurried inside. The lunch box is on the ground in front of the shoe shelf: he would have had to intentionally step over it to leave. Maybe he left it on purpose because he doesn’t like the food I packed? I’ll have to remember to talk to him about it when we get home.
It takes a moment to find the diorama: it was in the kitchen sink. My guess is it got pushed in when one of them brought their breakfast plate back into the kitchen. I grab it out but before I go there is something that catches my eye. Above the sink there is a little ledge where the window starts. It's too shallow to put much there but it has recently been filling up with Lego creations my youngest has made me. But lying there, between a robot and a car missing a tire, is a single human tooth.
At least I’m pretty sure it's human. It looks like a molar. It's a little yellowed, like whoever it was attached to had been a coffee drinker, but it's intact and clean. It was the glare of the morning sun bouncing off it that got my attention. I pick it up. Holding it in my palm I thought it would be heavier but I guess I'm thinking about its toughness. It has to be an adult tooth, ive handled enough tooth fairy transitions to know what milk teeth look like.
Instinctively I run my tongue over my own teeth but obviously they are all there. I would have noticed if a molar had fallen out. Could it have been my Wife's? Why would she leave it here? Maybe it's fake and one of the kids was using it for a science thing?
I slip it into my jean pocket and leave.
I'm going to need to get gas after this.
It's been a busy morning so far so on my way home I hit up one of those chain drive through coffee places that have been popping up everywhere and get a huge sugary drink with an extra shot of espresso. I try to savor it but I finish most of it before I get home.
I have a few things on my list to get done before I pick up the kids but the two top chores are: do the laundry and change the oil in the car. It has needed a change for two weeks but I have just been ignoring the little dashboard light. It's just too expensive to do it at a mechanic’s, plus they will point out all the other things wrong with the car, so I have started just doing the work myself. The only hard part is getting the oil drain cap off. I don’t know if it's corrosion or if the heat somehow welded it but it's always very hard to get off. I use half a can of liquid wrench.
I don't remember the tooth until I'm in the kitchen making dinner. I'm making spaghetti and meat sauce but a portion of the sauce I leave to the side. My oldest doesn't like lumps in his sauce so I'm going to put his portion in the food processor.
“Hey, did you lose a tooth?” I ask my wife when she gets home and drops off her lunch box.
“No, why do you ask?” She says as she grabs one of her probiotic/ fiber soda from the fridge.
“I found this tooth this morning…” I search my pockets but it isn't there. Maybe it fell out when I was under the car. Did I change clothes after the gm?
“Sounds weird. Tell me about it at dinner? I have some work to catch up on.” She kisses my cheek and heads upstairs to her office. I guess it isn’t really that important anyways.
After dinner it's my turn to put the youngest to bed. I make sure he flosses and brushes, then we take a quick walk to the mail box and back. Next is a shower and last is into his bedroom where he convinced me that we should watch a short youtube video of a “science experiment.” Fifteen minutes of reading, he needs water, and then fifteen minutes of reading my book to myself while he falls asleep.
I have been trying to sleep better so after twelve I switch to decaf. There is some left in the pot from earlier so I fill my favorite mug and put it in the microwave. It's still winter so when I step out front it's already dark out. I sit in the rusting metal chair and smoke an American Spirit, Yellow Package Original Blend Mellow Original taste, and sip my coffee. My mug has a hairline crack in it. It's quiet out. I know I shouldn't but I have a second smoke. I really need to get some rest for tomorrow, it's going to be a busy day. When I finish I throw the butts into the trash bin and head inside to pack lunches.
Wake up, feed the cats, make breakfast. I got five hours of sleep so I'm feeling good. While the kids eat, bizquick pancakes with some wheat germ mixed in, I search for where the robot vacuum got stuck last night. I swear I take more time fixing it than I would just sweeping! I find it under the living room table where it choked on a sock. Bringing it to the counter I open it up and clean it out. This way I can brush any errant crumbs into the sink. But while working I look up to see another tooth right where the last one was. Did I find it last night while cleaning up and put it back where I found it? But when I pick it up I realise it's a bit different. Besides the yellowing there is a small discolored spot nestled in the middle of the top of the tooth, the cap of the tooth? The part you bite with, It must be a little cavity.
“Whats that, Dad?” my middle child asks. I pocket it,
“Oh uh, it's nothing important, Did you brush yet?”
“Ugh. Yeah, I did it already! Didn’t you see me?”
“So if I go in the bathroom and feel your tooth brush it will be wet, right?” She sighs very dramatically and stomps over to the half-bath. “Make sure to use toothpaste this time” I call after her.
Today's big challenge is taking one of the cats to the vet. They said over the phone that it sounds like the cat has a parasite but they can't know for sure until I bring it in.
I was able to get the cat into the little carrying case and pushed a few treats though the bars but they were ignored. Even though it scratches the hell out of my arms I still feel upset at the cast pitiful, pleading meows as we go in the car. I'm sure it is going to be expensive but it's my responsibility. It's not like the crt can take care of itself and I hate the idea of a being suffering because I was lazy.
When I pick the kids up from school my oldest tells me there is going to be an informational meeting for his school's debate team.
“Ok, do you know when it is?”
“It’s actually at 4:10.”
“So it’s starting now! Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?” I know it isn’t a productive question right at the moment, the answer won’t change anything, but I’m so shocked that it slips out. He is so oblivious and inconsiderate! This is going to push back dinner by an hour, which makes evening chores start an hour later, which means the youngest is going to bed late, which means if I want to go to bed on time I’ll probably not have any free time! It will just be cooking, eating, cleaning, and bed.
“They only told me today!” He has definitely picked up on my irritation. I need to remain calm and express my emotions in a way that can model for them.
“Ok. This is a big surprise and it makes me feel stressed. I don’t like feeling like this and it would be a lot easier to change this feeling into anger but that would be unfair to the three of you. Let’s park and walk in. It’s better to be late than miss the whole thing.”
As I park the car I take a moment to just sit for a minute. THe only thing I can think about is how tired I am. The oldest knocks on the window.
Tonight my wife wants to snuggle up. I want to reciprocate but my emotional energy is drained, She goes back to using her phone and I go run the shower as hot as it can go.
Wake up, cat food, put on a long sleeve shirt, pick up the cat like a baby and force feed it one of its new pills, while I make breakfast I set a reminder on my phone to call my doctor and push my appointment back because it collides with my middle child's soccer game. I wake the kids late and try to hurry them through the morning without being pushy; we are eight minutes late to school.
The tooth has a deep black pit in it; it’s soft when I touch it. I throw it in the trash and cover it with paper towels. There is a small greasy patch left on the windowsill and I get it off with a Clorox Bleach Wipe ™. Someone is playing a disturbing prank on me.
I take my coffee to the front porch and relax a little: unclench my jaw, drop my shoulders, do some deep breathing. I’ve been reading a self help book about how to organize your home so it’s easier to clean at the end of the day. You're supposed to set everything up in a certain way so that you can walk a single path and put everything up in one circuit. Honestly it sounds like bullshit someone without kids would right, but im already half way through so I may as well finish it. But after a few minutes I realize I’m reading the same paragraph over and over again. My brain is rejecting concentration it seems. When I made the grocery order this weekend I forgot a few things. And the youngest needs new toothpaste, he has decided he no longer likes the bubble gum flavor. It feels like I'm pampering him but I want to encourage good brushing habits and if this makes it easier then a trip to the store isn't that much work. I put the list together and before I realize it I have an empty mug with 4 butts drowning in the dregs.
It’s been a few days. Some nights I’m able to get to bed before eleven, some I’m up until one AM. I would probably feel better if I got things done with the extra hours those nights, but mostly I just putter around eating too many snacks and feeling sorry for myself. It’s fairly unproductive.
The Tooth is part of my morning routine; I throw it away and clean up the residue. Today it’s all black, consumed by its cavity. One of its roots has become so rotted that it has collapsed in on itself. I don’t want to see or feel it so I grab it up in an old grocery bag. Left behind, black veins and tenderals spread out, holding on to the laminate as it reaches down the wall like it’s crawling towards the sink. I scrub hard, pulling up thin strings of rot. I work on it until the bleach wipes are gone. I’ll maybe have time to run in to the Walmart to get some more after my middle child's doctors appointment. She has been struggling with bad allergies and I’m tired of picking up used Klenex ™. I have moved the Legos to the counter top for now. The windowsill is starting to discolor.
Has it been a busy month? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. My Wife says I might be burnt out but does that matter? Mouths still need to be fed, floors still need to be mopped, kids still need to be made to do their chores and homework. I love her but I can’t expect her to understand. She works hard but at least she gets to leave the house.
I don’t have time to look at the tooth. Breakfast took longer than I planned, my youngest couldn’t find his shoes, and my oldest wouldn’t get out of bed the three times I called him. I bet he is staying up too late playing games. I need to sit with him and have an understanding and nonjudgmental chat about getting enough rest.
Today is going to be busy. A lot of schedules collide but I think I have it all planned out. As soon as I drop the kids off I have to head to the dry cleaners to get my wifes dress for her work party tomorrow, then I have to go into the library to return books and pay late fees, then home to change and head to the job interview. I hope I get it because they have very flexible hours. I pick the youngest up early for his dentist appointment then get the other two after. Middle has soccer practice and oldest has debate in the evening. I did most of the dinner prep last night so hopefully I can finish that and feed everyone between events.
After everything is said and done all I have left of the day is the few dinner dishes.I take several big swallows of the cold decaf and look to the windowsill. You wouldn’t even know the little black glob there was a tooth by looking. I’m so tired of this.
I try to scoop it up as best as I can and seal it in a ziplock to block the smell. The dark veins have spiderwebbed out. It looks a little like a diagram of the circulatory system I saw in school once. The veins are stuck fast in the laminate, spreading like a windshield crack across the entire sill, up the sides of the window frame, down and over the edges of the sink. I work my nails under the raised strands and wrench them up. I get fingers under it and pull long meaty threads out, throwing them in the sink and eviscerating them with the grinder.
I sweat as I tease and pull every stand, every fiber and destroy them. As I yank at a particularly thick one my vision blurs and I begin to feel dizzy. I sit on the floor and breathe deep and slow like my therapist told me when I have panic attacks. Then it all falls. The last thing to go through my mind before I pass out…
“Did I run off the Insinkerator?”
“It was a mixed sensorimotor stroke” the Doctor explains in her best approximation of bedside manner. “... an obstruction in the thalamus region of the brain…” For the fifth time I ran my tongue over my teeth. I’m so thirsty.
“...were you aware you had severe chronic hypertension?”
I admit that I knew. My meds had run out a while ago and in order for a new script to be accepted my insurance required me to see my GP.
When I was in elementary school I called one of my friends a bastard. I had heard it in a British TV show on PBS and thought it meant Jerk or Loser. I was made to go to the Vicepincipals office to explain myself. I tried not to cry and be tough but the embarrassment was overwhelming. Laying in the medical bed, my Wife sitting next to me, I felt that same shame and cried at how stupid I was.
I didn’t talk at all on the way home. My Wife drove and told me how worried she and the kids were and how glad they are that I’m ok and how she read an article about foods that help with hypertension and how she can do the parent\ teacher meeting tomorrow and I can just rest. I hold my hands in my lap and stare out the window.
THe kids all hug me when I walk in. I’m glad to see them but I start crying and they don’t know what to do. My Wife tells them to go wash up for dinner. She hugs me, tells me we will have take out tonight, any place I want. As she calls in the order I head into the kitchen to fix my dry mouth.
The tendrils are gone but a discoloration permeates where they lingered. The tooth sits, white, gleaming in the setting sun.
I reach out to grab it but my hand doesn’t respond. It’s heavy and trembles but I can’t get the fingers close.
With the dull weight of it I push the tooth off the sill and it clatters in the sink. I bring my useless hand to my chest and feel it quivering numbly. I run the faucet with my left and watch the tooth float down the drain. I sit heavily in my chair at the dinner table.I stare out the window as the sun falls behind the neighbors house. My numb hand taps an idiot rhythm on the side of the chair.
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