Ill Honor The Sin

October 27th, 2026

I went to Utah to see my girlfriend in person for the first time on September 28th, a little past my birthday and a little past our anniversary of 4 months. I remember not thinking much of the trip until the moment I actually left. I was excited, of course, but I generally can’t feel too excited for something until being close to getting to said place. The drive was long, going from California to Utah and all; it took around 12 hours total to get there. When I actually got close to seeing her, I felt deathly sick. I remember going to the hotel and feeling nauseous when she said that she was in the parking lot. When she actually went inside and we saw each other, I wanted to hurl, but I managed to compose myself. I hugged her awkwardly and had her meet my parents and all. The first thing I noticed about her was how small her wrists are. Afterwards, she took me to Wendy’s just for the sake of going somewhere with her alone. It was awkward for a bit, only because I made it that way; I couldn’t look her in the eye for the life of me. I went to her house after, met her family, including her sisters and mother. They’re really lovely people. I can’t say without lying that I didn’t somewhat envy how functional they are. I think it’s safe to say that the awkward phase was over pretty fast.

Sleeping in her arms that night was every single thing I hoped for since I knew I was going to see her. I spent a week over there, and it was the best week that I’ve lived so far. I experienced what it meant to be loved, and what it meant to love. She thinks I showed her how to love, but she has the wrong idea. I didn't show her how to love, nor did she show me. I learned how to love with her, and I’m forever grateful that she gave me the opportunity to do so.

She took me to all of her favorite places. We went to her favorite sweets shop, and we had cookies and a dirty soda for each of us. I miss doing random “side quests” (as she calls them) with her. She’d take her sisters to school in the morning, and I’d tag along half-composed because we were both cuddling not even 15 minutes prior of, and we’d get whatever her mom needed from the store, and it was lovely. I tagged along with them for family photos with her family just for the sake of going with her to this lovely place around the mountains. I went with her older sister and her younger sister in a separate car from her mother and other sister, and I remember losing my mind in the backseat because I was sad I was leaving the next day, as well as listening to I Love The Red Trail! By Everybody’s Worried About Owen. on repeat alongside Falling Asleep On The Phone by WillyRodriquez. The Leaves were freshly orange from the change to autumn, and the air was cold, something I was barely familiar with in SoCal. After taking photos, we drove to this restaurant that was just one large Sizzler salad bar, and it was pretty damn good. The drive back from that place was a memorable and sweet trip. I fell asleep in Kate’s arms to Christmas music on the radio in October.

After a week, it was time for me to go back to California, and I knew I’d have to, but it felt so fast, I couldn’t help but feel terrible. My parents, however, let her come back to California with us for two weeks. She packed her things quickly and went on the trip back with us. It took another 12 hours again, but it wasn’t so bad with her. I fell asleep on her lap most of the ride anyway. When she was here, she got to meet my cat, Charlie. We got to make cookies, watch shows together, and enjoy each other's presence for the length of her stay. The night before she left, it was bittersweet. We had our fun with each other for those 3 weeks, but it was time for her to go back to her state. I fell asleep on top of her, but she told me after I fell asleep that night she cried, because she didn’t want to go back and because she didn’t want to be apart again. That upset me; I wish I could’ve been with her in that moment. The morning of, I remember her telling me to get up and that we had to start getting ready. I held her for another hour before we actually got up, and she let me. We got into the car and started driving to the airport, and it was just as ill of a feeling as I had felt 3 weeks prior when she was there right in front of me in that hotel, but in all the wrong ways now. My family and I went in with her, up until TSA, where she had to leave. I kissed her goodbye, and as soon as she was away from me, my hands got so cold, and I felt like I was going to sob in front of all those people. My father got into a confrontation with a member of airport security during this, all while I was trying to compose myself just enough to make it to the car. I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse than I did as soon as she was gone for that first day. When she got back, she said she sobbed in the car, and because of that, her mom promised her that she’d fly me out for Christmas.

Now I notice all the things she left: her lash clusters, her Stanley on my desk, her letters, and she even has her own drawer in my room now. She left notes all over my room for me to find when she left, and she even left a letter on the last page of my copy of All the Bright Places. I cleaned her hairbrush out before she left, and I kept the hair in one of my plushies so I could smell her scent whenever I wanted. We call every day and fall asleep on the phone every night, and we count the seconds until the next time we can see each other in December.

I miss not feeling so conscious of my own body around her, and I miss feeling so comfortable with her next to me. The first thing I felt as soon as she walked away in that airport was how cold my hands felt without hers. I guess that kind of thing was something I took for granted while she was here; after a while. I took it for granted when she fell asleep on me every night; I took it for granted every time her lips were on mine, and I took it for granted every time we did homework with each other and watched South Park.

I’ve never felt as loved and cared for as when I’m with her. A while ago, she said that she hoped that she could be a safe space for me, and I’m glad to say she’s gotten what she wanted. 

“When you’re around, I feel safe inside your smile.” -Theodore Finch

My parents love you. I let Charlie know Mom loves him, and he misses you more than you’d think.