I'm an unemployed punk loser. (TW)

hey!

I'm pretty sure the people who follow me are aware that I finished highschool this summer.

I decided to not go to university, because highschool sucked really bad, and the idea of going back to studying with people my age around me every day made me sick. 

My mom doesn't make a lot of money, and my dad died three years ago, so obviously she isn't willing to keep paying for my entire life if I'm not getting a higher education, and the government stopped sending me subsidies from my dad's pension because I only qualify if I'm in school or physically unable to work.

So, here I am, some 19 year old commie punk, trying to find work just so I don't have to go back to school. 

Obviously, the first question that comes to mind is: "so how's that goin' for ya?"

And if you read the title, you know that the answer is: "not good."  

The truth is, I haven't even really been trying. 

I made a resumé, texted a couple of people I knew to ask if they had work for me (they didn't), went to one (1) job interview last week, which I ended up not being qualified for at all, and that's about it. 

It might sound like a decent amount of effort, given that I got back from Japan less than a month ago, but it's really not. I have ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, free from obligations or chores, except for occasionally visiting my friends and getting stoned, and political meets once a week. The most I've done in terms of actual productivity is spend a whole morning and afternoon protesting, and make space in my room for a new desk. I have PLENTY of time to look for a job, and yet most days, I don't.

But why? 

Well, the short answer is "i don't want to". I REALLY don't want to. That, and the past four days I've been inabilitated by a suicidal crisis caused by my brain thinking that my friends have all stopped loving me just because they couldn't come to my Halloween party. That's (mostly) over, though, we rescheduled it to be in November, when most of them had time.

The real answer, however, makes me sound even more like a loser.

I could say it's because I'm a punk, because I'm subversive, because I hate capitalism and don't want to contribute to a society that drags me down...

But really, the reason is that I'm scared to death.

I'm scared that I just can't do it. I know that almost everyone on earth ends up finding a job, and that it's really not that hard, even with just a highschool degree, but I just don't feel like I'm capable. I'm physically weak, mentally susceptible, and I have almost no real skills that would actually be useful to a company. Functionally, societally, I'm quite literally useless. 

I can make patches, and draw characters, and explain communist theory, but... What use is that? What use is someone who can riot when companies want compliance? I even LOOK like someone you can't depend on, and I don't want to change my looks either.

Plus, what happens when I get depressed? What happens if I have a screaming, crying, banging-my-head-against-the-wall panic attack? 

I can't just stay home, like I did with school. I have to go to work, keep producing, keep making money. And what if it happens AT work??

The truth is, I'm absolutely terrified that work is going to destroy me even more than school did. I like to be tough and loud and non-conformist, but as soon as I'm forced into conformity I get incredibly weak. 

I don't know what to do. 

I don't know how to do it.

So I've made an account on Indeed, and I'll just send applications until I find someone willing to pay me a couple of bucks an hour, and hope it doesn't break me.

And I'll probably have to keep doing this until I'm 70.