I'm having doubts about everything

Things aren't going well. I thought I was a better writer than I was and proceeded to get essentially super Fs on every english-based assignment since then. I have twenty million tests tomorrow, I still have to care for my girlfriend, and I can't really enjoy anything because of the work and make-up work i have to do. had i known senior year would go like this I probably would've entered with a different mindset. 

I still have issues with anxiety, I'm still the same person no matter how much I complain, or how many people I show this page. I made a new friend(s) at school but they're leaving for a school adjacent to the one we attend next week. Everybody leaves eventually. 

I'm starting to realize that the more self discovery I do the worse of a person I am. I got lied to by a girl who probably inferred that I liked her to indicate I had no chance, just for her to get with my homeboy. I keep embarrassing myself in physical activities, I think every runny nose is me getting sick. I'm scared that by the time I really do something with my life I'll have like stage 4 cancer and all will be for not. Things seem pointless and super important all the time, it's honestly draining.

The only thing I enjoy, other than talking to my girlfriend, is fantasizing about songs ill make. And honestly, I feel like a loser that the only thing that brings me joy is making shitty songs that nobody's gonna listen to. I think the overall feeling of chud makes life 20x less enjoyable. That, and buying stuff. Buying stuff makes me feel whole.

i miss the days i wasnt anxious about everything, i kind of hate being self-aware but helpless at the same time. At least thats what anxiety means to me. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, i wanna sit at the park in the middle of the night, alone, finishing my work for school. I haven't been to the park in months, last time i went was on a date. I got my first kiss there. It doesnt mean much to me, though. I just like the park. 

Doing things at night put you in danger, I understand. But also, i feel like if someone kills me or something then they probably earned it. I mean, I was out in the middle of the night, that's my fault, especially if I wanted to do it.

Satanism, not like the actual practice of like rituals and stuff but like the ideals they stand for, kind of resonate with me. For any normal person reading, I'm not a satanist. But, they kind of seem like you do things for the betterment of you and what you care for. That's pretty cool. also upside down crosses are cool.

my friends probably think im stupid or something, i'm not smart at all. people accomplish real things and experience imposter syndrome but i genuniely think i am an imposter in whatever archetypes im supposed to be fitting in. I'm only smart enough to slightly impress the average person in whatever niche that happens to be the topic of conversation, not smart enough to display it in front of people. It kind of makes me feel horrible about myself.

Everything makes me feel horrible about myself. Is there some secret club I'm not in? Is everyone just in a secret club and thats why i feel the way i do? maybe, i wouldn't put it past anyone for there to actually be a secret "in" club or something. I wish i could get an invite. 

i like to think that if i had a therapist, i'd be a unique patient, but i'm sure there are 1000s more people like me that the therapist would rather talk to. 

if people base their worth on grades, im worthless. if people base their worth on personality, im subpar. if people base their worth on physical ability, im hopeless. I honestly dont know how the people who managed to survive blowing their head off have the will to keep going.
i've never done it and I probably won't ever amount to anything in life as someone who didn't want to keep living theirs.