I'm just tired but hopefully I'll sleep well better 2nite (TW kinda heavy vent)

i dont expect anyone to know how to help or anyhting but i need to get it off my chest. sorry if im not as social, this is my best way to relax and I'll try my best to catch up once im not so busy. 

I don't want to grow up like my mother but she passed down so much to me, up to my mental state and appearance and im DEEPLY ashamed. i don't say it because to others they react like I'm making a fuss, but i hate when people associate or comment anything about me related to my mother. she switches up from blaming everyone, talking shit, to acting sweet so my friends can't say anything. i dont have it as bad as other people so i feel like i cant say much. maybe its a stretch, but the way she treated me at my worst vs my best makes me believe that she only does anything for me for her own reputation. even if it's not true, i can't handle it when people tell me "ooohh she is just worried about you and doesn;t knnow what to do!". i get they are trying to be reassuring and i do appreciate it, but im afraid they just dont understand. 

she hears but she can't listen. she threatens (but never does anything) to leave or whatever and tries to guilt trip when anyone in the family disagrees. everytime i ask for permission for support in any of my issues, her first instinct is to doubt me. but then she expects me to know things she never taught me, and treats me like im stupid when i know things i had to learn from outside my home.

for example, when i complained about having seasonal allergies (symptoms of not being able to breathe out of my nose :D) i couldn't convince her to get me checked for at least 6 years. When i was failing in school and tried to km$ in front of her, her first reaction was to tell me that " if you act like that, nobdoy will want to help you" and she said she would send me to a mental hospital and she never did. when i was in elementary school, she refused my school's offer to place me in a "special class" when my school noticed i was behind in keeping up the same pace as my peers. she did the same when i was in middle school. i asked my school for the program that was supposably helpful for my problem, but they needed parental approval. but neither of my parents believe theres anything wrong with me.

the best way i can explain is taht she has the mindset of thinking "i have the same problem, but there is nothing wrong with me. therefore, there is nothing wrong with you". i cant say that im the best person at all, but at least im willing to try to fix my issues and accept when im wrong, and try to be less of a bad person. i really wanted to love her but i just cant. im sorry.