im not better than a man

recently i havent been posting, things have been getting serious. at least as serious as highschool senior life could be. i usually dont just do casual updates, because thats what everybody else does and nobody reads them, but here ill try to cover things in relatively chronological order. not that you care or anything.

one of my friends has read a portion of this blog, unfort. i dont know why i feel the need to let people know that i have a blog full of all of my deepest secrets that id never spill under regular conditions, maybe its part of validating my existence. ai has taught me a lot of things about myself. apparently i like to repeat jokes. i genuinely hope they didnt read too far back, as id like to say after the whole ai diy clinical diagnosis, i feel things have changed because i've become aware of the negative thought loops i trap myself in. not too sure how to combat those aside from ignoring them, however. When i'm busy with school or work, i reach some sort of teetering homeostasis where I'm aware that something is wrong, but the things i bombard myself with take up most of my overthinking time and i end up just ignoring them and kicking the proverbial depression can down the road. I want to say that i absolutely dont support the use of ai for anything, i just did it because i had nobody else to talk to. I hope you solemnly accept my half-ass justification. if, for some weird reason, they're still reading this, please stop. There's nothing worth reading in the light of the post i made before this one on my blog. but if you're reading this, which one person has let me know that they occasionally do...

I used to assume you didn't exist, and now i feel bad for doing so. People are weird, because if i assume that nobody reads these, then the conclusion i come to is "these are public, of course people read them." however i if assume that people do read these, then the conclusion is "don't assume you have an audience, you have 8 friends on a myspace clone website." I'm really not too sure what to think on this front, but i'm kicking the realization can down the road until i re-meet it.

after the whole friend reading debacle, i took one of my buds on a trip. I was busy all weekend, mostly sulking in the light of making myself lose what couldve been a wonderful relationship, missing out on even more rite of passage events (including my last time being able to socially trick or treat), and not being able to enjoy halloween in general because the day happens to be my mom's birthday. Contrary to popular belief, i like partying, if you consider having both earbuds in on max volume and trying to ration out phone battery as partying. I like being able to say i was there, and my cope for being socially awkward is "at least i got out." does being aware of the justifying lies you tell yourself ruin the lie? like a placebo?

i thought about cutting myself but decided against it. I'm not saying this to get anyone's attention, i know it seems like i have to reference harming or offing myself in every post but you wouldnt be suprised to learn that it correlates with how much i think of it. My mom was having an argument with me and i genuinely thought about what would happen if i didn't end up going to college. I don't need to say it out loud. I don't think anyone would miss me, nor would i have done anything with myself if i don't make it. Putting this much emphasis on something im procrastinating on should be a wake up call...not sure why it isnt. maybe this is a part of the whole 'not changing' narrative i've concocted and upheld within the past few entries. i still havent, and probably wont, but there's something that worries me.

if i change, id just be an ultimately irreverent guy with no mental issues. I'd probably internalize and end up forgetting everything i felt and thought in highschool, and id be some guy. Not that now i'm not just some guy because i think about killing myself from time to time, but it's kind of my whole internal personality. talking to yourself is way more fun than tv portrays it. if i do end up kicking my own bucket, im sure my mom would be sad, but she'd probably adopt someone in my place. is it weird to not want to matter to anyone, but be sad when you have no friends because nobody cares? I'll take rhetorical questions for 250.

in other news, one of my friends had a crush on me and just now told me she was developing one. from the time she wouldve had to the time she broke up with her boyfriend, to the time she told me...she wouldve had one while still technically dating her boyfriend. a lot of relationships that have been happening over junior year has ended, and the boyfriend turned out to be terrible. just morally dubious stuff, nothing overly crazy. it makes me think about my friends. 

technically i was told this a while ago, so in a chronologically ordered blog, this can go anywhere. My friend has a girlfriend. the relationship between me and his girlfriend used to be strained, but she eventually stopped caring about not liking me and we're now associates. that's not necessarily important, but it puts the empathy i feel towards the girlfriend into context. Why am i telling you this, you already know! anyway, my friend is a whore. he's cheated on his girlfriend several times, and she's only found out once. yes, they're still together afterward. He's a whore, but telling his girlfriend would result in a LOT of drama, drama that isnt necessarily needed in the highschool equivalent of a home stretch, so im choosing not to tell her. it's morally dubious as well, but its better for everyone. I hope all of my friends dont end up being assholes to their girlfriends. mine broke up with me, but not to the point where they'd have enough ammo to talk about me longer than 5 minutes with one of her friends. i make that kind of a goal whenever i break up with someone, to not let it be on bad terms. thats my way of morally grandstanding, at least when im the one being broken up with. this isnt important, sorry.

continuing from the friend thing, i told her no. The logic and realization i came to when "breaking up" with the talking stage still would apply to people who i've known for years. the crazy thing, i used to like her in freshman year. i wish she wasnt dating who she was dating then, but they were going strong and were happy and ultimately wasnt worth sharing how i felt. i wouldve just lost a friend.

people mature as they age. crazy idea, i know, where's my nobel peace prize? apparently she found me attractive from my personality. I dont try to make my personality outwardly attractive at school, i just kind of dick around and make jokes the entire time. i was honored, if only i felt the same im sure id probably be writing something completely different right now. sadly, i let her off in a manner where we could still be friend afterwards. I was sad, but now i just have to act like it never happened; im used to doing as such.

in other other news, one of my friends may have slept with another one of my associates. The associate in question had just gotten out of a relationship that had lasted his entire high school career. Im not sure how to feel, because the friend in question is actually quite nice, but something adjacent to this happened before so i can't say i don't completely not believe it. It kind of made me think about how my friends actually are. The associates girlfriend and my friend are friends, and the friend's friend kind of socially disowned her. Is everyone i hang out with dickheads? maybe the things i do arent that bad in comparison, or maybe im just trying to justify not taking accountability.

sorry to loop back everything to myself, but im kind of my own point of reference. i feel most people aren't this way and that its just me. but, to be fair, it is my blog. nuance is hard

this post took multiple days, i have a math test tomorrow, and the teacher that always takes late work has suddenly decided he doesnt want to, so my grades will stay looking like shit until Christmas break, probably. maybe im pushing people away and that's why i keep saying my usual, but if the girl who didn't like anyone liked me, maybe im not. 

sorry for the essay