I'm so fucking depressed

I feel so depressed I don't even feel sad anymore. Nothing is even really all that wrong in my life anyway which makes me feel like I shouldn't or can't feel sad. IDK if that makes sense but it really sucks because I just want to actually be happy for once. I wish I could go back to my friend's house because he always makes me happier, I love him so much :) Anyway, I hate how I feel so scared to vent to my friends. Normally I either bottle up my feelings (yes I know it's bad I can't help it) or I vent to myself. I just wanted to be heard by someone this time. And on top of all of the bs already going on in my life rn, my boyfriend feels like he's being a bad partner, he really isn't and I feel horrible for even letting him think that. Also I'm really scared for next year because the two of us are going to two different schools and what if he leaves me for someone else? I can't deal with another heartbreak right now dude. I have to do another placement audition for my school and I'm scared I'm gonna absolutely flunk it because I haven't had time to practice all summer. Life is good but I'm making it bad for myself ATM. sigh, I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. :(