IM SORRY 16 YEAR OLD ME..

TW!! abusive relationships, mentions of SA, suicide, and sex. MDNI!!!

when i was little, my dad hammered into my siblings and i's heads to always be good people. and, i have always tried to be exactly that--a good person. 

when i turned 16, i was going through a breakup with a girl i had been with since i was 14. she said i was a bad person and horrible girlfriend. she wasnt perfect, but she was right in saying that. 

i spiraled for months. i drank, i smoked, i put my self in situations i never would put myself in now. i just wanted to be loved--to be held and told i was beautiful. and i sought that out in any place i could find it. 

i met him on an app. one i had met other shitty guys on before. 

he was only a short drive from my mom's house, and wanted to actually be with me. he said he loved me only a few days in, which i shouldve known was a red flag. hell, he gave me 20 dollars just cause only a few days after being together. what guy being truthful and not trying to love bomb you does that?

i noticed when the shift happened. i had BEEN in an abusive relationship before. i knew when he got mad at me when my friend said they loved me, when he kept going through my phone and finding nothing, when he brought up his ex more often, when he only touched more or acted even a little bit interested in me during sex and sex alone, when he never wanted me to hang out with my friends, when he got mad at me for going ANYWHERE without telling him immediatly, that the relationship wouldnt end well.

he broke up with me not even two months in. i cried. he blocked me before i even realized we were broken up, so i didnt even have a chance to argue. of course he came back, apologized, and immediatly slept with me as soon as he saw me again. i thought that was love. 

he loved making me upset, i could tell. he would laugh when i got mad, stare at me blank face or try to sleep with me when i cried. i remember once, when i finally fought back with him because of everything he was doing, he went "yeah, bozo, get mad".

he got off on making me break my character. he saw this sweet, nice girl with big green eyes and desperate for any kind of love, and vowed to break my heart. he admitted that to me, actually. that he only got me with me to break my heart. because, well, his ex hurt him. 

i shouldve left. i did leave once. the night before christmas eve, i left him. he was mad, threatened to kill himself on christmas. after new years, he texted me and asked if i was "acting like myself yet". he hated that i wasnt backing down, that i wasnt acting like that sweet girl he mentally tourtured.

why did i go back? sure, he promised to be better. to be nicer, to be sweeter. didnt i see that that was total bullshit? that he would continue to break me down? 

there was this one day shortly after we got back together for the second or third time that i was just...so exhausted. usually we would immediatly have sex when we got to his room. but, i just didnt want to. i laid down while he was taking his shoes off. he got behind me on the bed and began to hump against my leg like a disgusting dog. i said no, shook my head and shoved him off. he said "no?" and i shook my head again and laid back down. he scoffed, said okay and got up to play his game. i sighed, and fell asleep not too long after i heard the sounds of his controller clicking. 

it couldnt have been even an hour later when i woke up to him taking off my sweat pants. i froze--fawn response--and just told my self if i let it happen he wouldnt get mad (he had before, the only other time i said no to him) and i could just go back to sleep. 

i always told myself if that ever happened to me, that i would fight. why didnt i fight? 

i still dont really admit it to myself now what he did to me. no one besides my cousin, close friends, and boyfriend know what happened to me. ive been too scared to say it outloud to a bunch of people. maybe its because i already told him i forgave him for it when i confronted him a year or two later. and, now, i feel like im not allowed to take that back. that im not allowed to say that i realized i never actually forgave him and i just tried to tell myself i did because thats what you always see on those "self help" and "getting over trauma" posts.

maybe its because when i told the ex he always talked about, she was sympathetic, but then got back with him not even a year later. 

i look back, and feel bad for what i put 16 year old me through. now that im with someone who loves me and worships the ground i walk on, i wish i would tell 16 year old me that there WILL be someone who will treat me better than that. and that i will not have to be stuck with that poor excuse of a man for the rest of my life. 

im sorry, 16 year old kitty. you didnt deserve that. i wish i couldve protected you. 

love, 19 year old kitty.