I'm such a chud

 Urgggs it’s kind of ridiculous how I still can’t stop thinking about them. I keep telling myself that they probably don’t like me back (100% sure), that I shouldn’t read into every little interaction, and that I need to be realistic about this. And yet somehow, they still manage to occupy so much space in my head. I’ll be doing something completely unrelated and suddenly I’m thinking about them again. Wondering what they’re doing, wondering if they’ve thought about me at all, wondering if maybe I mean even a fraction as much to them as they mean to me. And lately they’ve started texting me a little more. It’s nothing. Its them genuinely just be them being friendly, and I know I shouldn’t turn every message into something bigger than it is. They lowkey sent me just 3 messages, but when you’ve spent 2 years loving someone quietly, even the smallest bit of attention from them can feel enormous. I hate how easily my heart gets excited over the smallest things. they even kind of asked if I could switch one of my classes to be with them. I’m not going to, though, because my schedule would probably get completely messed up, and I don't think I want to change everything around just for that. But still. The fact that they even wanted me there has been sitting in the back of my mind. I keep replaying it and wondering what they meant by it, even though it probably wasn't that deep. That's the problem with having feelings for someone like this. Everything feels significant when it's coming from them. And somehow, even though I literally just saw them two days ago, I already miss them. How is that even possible? Two days isn't that long. I shouldn't already feel like I'm missing their presence when I was just around them. But I do. I miss seeing them. I miss being around them. I miss those tiny moments where I get to look over and realize they're right there. It's embarrassing how much I crave simply being in the same room as them. I remember wanting to hug them, too. I don't even know why that thought hit me so hard. I just wanted to hug them. Not because I expected anything from them, but because sometimes I care about someone so much that I wish I could somehow express all of it without having to say a single word. But we're not really that close. We're friends, but we're not that close. A hug probably wouldn't even mean anything to them, while I know I'd probably think about it for the next six months. I was talking to them that day about how I hate my schedule and it's sent by Netanyahu himself, but just looking at them I just wanted to hug them. And that's such a strange feeling to have all of this affection for someone who just sees you as a friend. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I wish I could stop wondering whether they might secretly feel something too. I wish I could stop getting hopeful over little things and then reminding myself that I'm probably imagining meaning where there isn't any. Because deep down, I still don't think they like me back. And maybe that's the part I'm having the hardest time accepting. I love them so much, but I don't want to build an entire fantasy around that love. I should be grateful that we're friends at all. Still, there's this tiny part of me that can't help wishing for more. I wish I could be closer to them. I wish I could talk to them more. I wish I could hug them without wondering if it would be weird. I wish I didn't have to constantly remind myself of the distance between what I feel and what they might feel. Maybe that's why I miss them so much already. It's not just that I miss seeing them. I miss the possibility of being closer to them. I miss something that hasn't even happened. And maybe I'm going to have to accept that they might never feel the same way. But god, I really don't want to. Because after loving them for this long, it's hard to imagine simply waking up one day and not caring anymore. They're still the first person my mind wanders toward when I'm lonely, the person I notice without trying, the person whose smallest actions can completely change my mood. I don't know where these feelings are going anymore.ts probably the most pathetic and honest thing I could admit.