im such an irritated person

I think this is one of my, if not my WORST trait. I do not feel love for people, at least not nearly to the amount that others do. I’d say that if the love neurotypical people felt was 100%, I would feel 5%. I just can’t feel it. So that means I only really interact out with people if I find them entertaining, like talking to them (different to liking THEM), or if they give me something, like if they buy me things. 

This all means that, due to me having little to no ‘love’ keeping me connected to a person, I get very quickly annoyed with others the second that I choose to stop caring about what they give me and they’re… still there. I went to the antique store with my grandmother and, while I do ‘like’ her, I got extremely annoyed with her trying to talk to me after my expectation (of being bought things) was filled. I understand that this is irrational so I’ve been trying to stop my annoyance, or at least not show it obviously. 

I think that this makes me incredibly annoying and unlikeable to others. I can give you a lot of things; I can educate you, I can make you laugh, I can make you feel good in so many different ways, I can marvel you with my art and my beliefs and my honesty and really, I am beautiful, but I’m beautiful in the same way that your favourite art piece is. I am lovely but I cannot care for you. I am entrancing but I can’t love you. Sometimes I get insecure about that, but I’ll write about my internalised ableism in another post. 

I think it’s surprising that I haven’t been beaten up for the way I act towards others yet (I have once but not only is she my best friend now, we were young and I… won the fight. Hi if you’re reading this)) because I am admittedly very rude. I stare right into people’s eyes if I’m irritated and do NOT look away, and I usually stare at people to intimidate them/creep them out, or if I’m trying to make a point. I also sigh a lot if someone’s annoying me. 

I don’t think anyone should ask me if they’re valid for being irritated by something because I get irritated by everything on earth. I plan to become a complete hermit and detach myself from humanity whenever I can just because I think I’m completely unfit for any form of company with my horrific neurodivergence … people glaze me for being unique but the same things that make me unique make me a total cunt. 

This post makes me seem very unlikeable because I am. I am unlikeable and incredibly likeable at the same time. Just be glad you don’t know me in real life I guess