i'm supposed to be in front of the fucking camera, not behind it

do you ever look at your favorite actors or musicians and get hideously jealous of their job and their life? honestly its not even the money that captivates me the most, its the fact that their job involves cameras on them and they could tell the world about almost whatever they want. and me? i am behind the camera just nodding along. not even that– i don't even know what area of photography i wanna go into. it makes me mad at nobody but myself because i'm the one holding me back. hard work isn't my thing unless i like it and you know what? adhd is more debilitating than you could ever know. its a ball and chain and im not strong enough to carry it around with me during all the hard work i wanna do... YET.

i guess what i wanted to say is that maybe i could be more than a photographer if i didnt have adhd, OR if adhd was the singular abnormal thing about me. nothing about my life is normal, but if it was, i think i'd be much better off. what i really wanted to say is already in the title though... i wanted to be a musician really badly. but i chose photography because no, not even music could heal me no matter how many times i tried to work with it. photography chose me even though i like to say it the other way around.

im getting sleepy after a long day of wanting everyone in the house including myself to disappear forever.