“in a dream i don’t tell anyone, you put your head on my lap-

“in a dream i don’t tell anyone, you put your head on my lap-

    I don't tell anyone about this small, good moment that I wished for. Because I'm embarrassed by its tenderness and impossibility.” — Richard Siken 

I often go back to this short text whenever I get lonely and feel the surge of desperation to be seen and to be loved. I realized that if I want that to happen I have to get out there in the world and present myself, and the thought of it greatly repulses me, sometimes I feel like romantic love is just a humiliation ritual. I often think that one day I might just get too desperate to be in love that anyone can do. I might just settle, and fool myself that I am content and happy. I see too many people in love, and instead of being happy, they become prisoners of each other, like the relationship was non-refundable, and breakups are too much work, and whenever it happens, a giant can of worms is opened and it becomes a mess. The only time I felt a strong attraction towards someone is when I was 10 with my first love and he didn't even know me. Since then, I've always held any possible contender to this standard and nothing has worked.

It reminds me as well of that one quote by Dostoevsky; "Two intelligent people cannot fall in love; true love needs one idiot." in all of my ambiguous relationships, I suppose I was never the idiot, I was always the one pursued, and I feel the shame cloaks over me whenever I start to feel an emotion familiar to love.  I often wonder if something is wrong with me, am I too weird? and a small but great part of me agrees that maybe I am, and not everyone is meant to have this kind of privilege (?) its become harder to explain who I am. I’m just a little scattered.