inspirations

since i was a kid, i feel like i've been surrounded by all sorts of different artforms, a lot on the internet. i feel like i often had to retreat into my inner world a lot because of my difficult home life. i wasn't the best kid, i feel like my chaotic childhood left some scars, but regardless i still made up stories and drew and listened to music.

and since high school, i don't have much of a motivation to do any of that. i still write and draw, and listen to music, but i feel like i should be better at it. i've been in a depressive state for a while now that i find it hard to be motivated to do anything. i feel like people think my artwork sucks and i never really written any full stories, and i just want to inspire others, just like how all that media i saw as a kid inspired me. 

and now instead of my teenage years being a time i perfected my craft and really explored who i was, i feel like they've been wasted away, as i rotted in isolation and my mental health got worse. i still want to try and create things but i just wish i learned sooner instead of wasting years of my life away. i stood in the shadows of everyone else in high school and since then i feel like my drive shut down. i just hate myself now. sometimes i wish i could start my life over but in ways i feel like i was doomed from the start.

again, i'm still hoping to redeem myself and create things that capture the imaginations of other people, that i can create something worthwhile and make lifelong friends and even a career out of it, that's a big reason i want to go to college, but there's this deep void in me, stressing about the things i did instead of the things i should've done, i feel like crap.