Disclaimer: i am simply writing about my own past experiences and this is purely half the truth and half my own. 

Both my truth and lies bleed into this girl. but if i put my obsession and jealousy before friendship, does that even leave it as a friendship anymore?

I am not someone who you think i am. in real life i'm a conventionally confident person, and i kinda think i'm not shy either. i am not self-glazing or anything, trust me, but i'm quite popular too. all the teachers know me and everyone knows who i am. but eversince i got into the grade i'm in now, things have been makin me kind of doubt somethings. 

i am absolutely obsessed with this one girl who is a grade up than me. why? because she has everything that i dont. she's pretty, has a nice family, she's smart, and although no one agrees she IS popular. she has two cute siblings, she has hobbies, she is talented. she's everything i'm simply not. the first time i started noticing her was definitely last year. before that, we were honestly enemies. our classes hated each other, and we didn't get along either, although i didn't really think much about it, until i met my new english teacher. let's call her miss ria. miss ria was THE teacher, she was motivating, cool, kind, and she ACTUALLY litsened to you as a teacher. and the moment i started to get to know her was when i was practising for my upcoming debate event. where i had to give a debate worthy speech, competing with kids from other schools.

and eversince then, i wanted to get to know her. and as a teacher's pet i was, the urge was even stronger. but that's when i found out, the biggest sore thumb in my way to become close with miss ria was her.

But, now that i think of it, we haven't given this girl a name have we? so, let's call her, Emma. Emma was painted all over miss ria's life. i couldn't even tell you what the girl was doing to be closer with that teacher of hers. it was at the point where this girl was staying nights over at this teachers house. and if i think about it, i could never have done such things, could i? i could have never winned that teacher over. i think she herself planned this whole out herself in the end, and smart of her, she got who and what she wanted.

but then came the time when i started getting closer with her classmates, and i couldn't even fanthom that i would also become somewhat friends with emma. it all actually started when emma also took part in the same debate competition in which i took place every year. just in different category. and emma was really good at it, and as in her category she was really good. but when we started talking during practice, i never knew emma could be so... cool. and after talking with miss ria a few times during lectures, it made me want to get to know emma even more. but how? although as being extroverted as she is, emma dosen't really open so easily. athough i've tried so much at the time, i just couldn't put my finger on it. 

and that just made me want to be like her even more. 

Because i wanted to get to know this girl, to get to know her two adorable siblings, and the ultimate goal? become a part of her family. which made me realize how deeply rooted my obsession is to this girl and everything around her. 

i first got her snapchat a while back, since i was adding some of her classmates, i got the chance to ask her too. and guess my luck? she gave me her insta too. and although i didn't always dm her there either, i just liked the thought and idea of getting to know this girl. we got closer, at school, and online. but the thing was, it didn't reach my goal the way i wanted.

but, did catch on to my plan? the same plan i was executing all along from the moment i met her, and to the moment i got to know her, it all went according to my plan. 

i'm curious. how can a human being become so obsessed with someones private and social life without even knowing them that well? is it jealousy? or is it simply the envy of not having a life like theirs? 

i wouldn't call mine jealousy, or that's what i believe it isn't. i actually converted my jealousy into obsession. the obsession wanting to become like this one girl who was a grade older than me. 

and as i said in the beggining, my lies and truth both bleed into this girl's life, but putting my obsession and jealousy before our friendship now would make it something wouldn't want. 

and although now i'm grown up now, and i've learnd for the better, i still can't help but think about her from time to time. how lucky she must be, right?

7/9/2026