it's cold but you pretend that you are warm with me.

i don't think you would believe me if i told you i climbed a hill to not think about you, or us, or even myself and how fucking sad i am all the time without you.

i noticed i was happy because i was with you. so now what do i have left?

i did climb a hill because i can't stay alone or quiet any second now or i start crying.

 i went down the hill with my friends while we laughed and then we panicked a little because we thought someone was gonna rob us. we said stupid shit and then i wished i was there with you and i could show you all the photos i took from the top of the hill and how beautiful it all looked from there, you would have liked it and told me to be careful. i got sad.

i walked with them down road, walked a little more and said goodbye to one of them. we went to eat then he asked "mind if i ask what happened?"

is that how bad i look that everyone notices?

i got baggy eyes because i can't sleep in the nights, and then i cry until i fall asleep so my eyes are sore and red when i wake up to go to college.

he asked, i explained, i remained sad. he said those things happen. yeah, i know. i didn't want to eat anymore but there i was. we laughed a little more. i remained sad.

the bed is so cold every night because i don't got your warm texts or posts, everything is so cold without you and i feel so stupid. 

when i get in the bus everything is quiet so i put on my headphones and suddenly everything is so loud because everything screams your name.

i go and take the train, i sit down and i look for a bit outside before i obligate myself to fall asleep because if i let myself be awake i will cry. and when i wake up i get out of the station and then that stupid song sounds and i get sad.

i walk until i get into my building, i go and sit down to charge my phone for a bit. I look at my phone and keep looking at my texts because there's no one there now and i don't know what the fuck am i waiting or looking for, but i keep doing so. 

I put on more music and then i shut my eyes, a song comes in and i open my eyes only to cry while i look down and there's more people and everyone is so fucking loud in this building but i am so lonely without you so i keep crying while this artist that you don't know about sings "i got so many things to tell you", i shut my eyes and remain sad and sob a little before i pick up my things and get to class.

i stay quiet in class, not my usual self with my friends. i look down and at my phone and i keep glancing at my texts and my instagram and i keep thinking "what the fuck am i looking for", but i don't answer myself.

 i remain sad as the teacher explains and then we get to the quiz and i know i'm gonna fail this one because i couldnt study not for a single second in the past days without thinking of you with the music in my ears and while i kept glancing at my texts. 

i failed my quiz and i knew it was gonna happen, but i don't care, i put on my headphones and that song of that singer sounds and i'm fucked up because i can't even listen to him without thinking of you. i can't glance at my favorite guitarist and that singer that i have a hate-love relationship without thinking of you. 

i walked almost 17.000 steps. 10 kilometers all day. and i still can't get you out of my head.

i saw a little kid with a cute costum and thought about you for a second, how cute you would have said it was, i remained sad. 

I can't tell you about that cover i'm thinking of doing because it sounds like us in this exact right moment and you would love it and at the same time tell me it's so sad and that you want a vodka now. or maybe tequila.

my posters keep falling and maybe it's because everything is falling apart right now. 

a friend of mine, the one that lives too far away, noticed i was crying yesterday in class because i saw your last text, i was first line and maybe the teacher noticed too but i couldnt care less when i miss you this much. 

he asked me later something and then talked about the capital and of course i remembered you and looked at him with glassy eyes, that's when he catched it and told me sorry. i said it was fine. but no, it wasnt. i missed you and remained sad.

i keep walking and while i have my grocery bags another song pops up and suddenly i get cold. every single part of my life is cold now. i only got to say that you made it warm every day and now i have to live in the coldness of my own decisions and my sadness and how fucking stupid this is and how i want to take all my things and go live nearby so i can be with you and you'll be with me and this shit doesnt have to keep happening and maybe your parents will love me because i will make them love me, i will show them that i love their child and that i am worthy to be there with you and there would be nothing but happyness for us and shit i'm crying again

we're gonna stay in love somehow, right?

this doesnt have to be the end.

we were gonna last forever, does the other life counts? but i want it in this one. will you let me? will you wait for me? i don't want anyone else. one life isnt enough to love you, but i want to love you until i die by your side in this life.

even the artists you didn't know about sound like you. And then that singer pops up again and fucking god did we really have to be like them? i glance at my favorite guitarist and suddenly i want to rip everything apart. but i can't and i won't.

i still have the photos we took in that booth in my backpack. i have the pens you gave me, purple and red, it's us, how could i throw them away? us? no. i have our photos together on my gallery still and i don't think i will ever erase them. I have the video when i asked you to be my partner, it remains there. that city and that beach stays in my mind while i pass by it in the train and i cry a little while i listen to action cat.

i went to buy something with a friend in college and there is this girl in our class, i never noticed, maybe i did and didn't tell you, but i noticed now and i saw her backpack. The Cure was there and i glued my eyes to that stupid patch she had and suddenly i was sad again and i wanted to cry, and i wasnt listening to my friend anymore. 

do you miss me? cause i miss you too.

i have everything you gave me and i won't ever throw away anything, is it too selfish if i wish you wouldnt either? is it weird that every single song sounds like you and i can't do shit about it not this or any time anymore? 

i want to smoke and maybe i will. 

my legs and foot shake because of how many activity i had today (to not think about us), my hands shake and i realized i bumped on something and now my hand hurts. i want to play guitar but i will cry, and i will upload that cover later and i'm sorry if it makes you feel sad, i miss you so much and it's all my fault and i'm so sorry. 

i got so many things to tell you. this can't be happening.

i love you.

24th April 2026