iwill walways ooelove you

we had another school trip

except i was the only 5th grader 

in quebec secondary school is from 12 to 16/17 an split between five grades

and it was almost only 3rd graders

and all of their friendgroup was there xecept them 

so at least we have that

but in the bus someone in their class went to me 

and ask me

hey whats ur name

and i answered peanut

oh peanut, ____'s ex?

and i looked at him and i was horrified

because we were friends and i deeply deeply loved them but i never dared to confess my feelings for them because i was scared that telling them i loved them would destroy our friendship

so we were best friends but we were never a couple 

so i just said no 

but then he said oh yeah, they love you y'know?

and i look at him and i was horrified x2

yeah they talked about you in class before we left

and that was that 

he didnt talk to me anymore than that

and i dont believe him

like i dont believe that they would have done everything they did to me while loving me, and loving me even right now

because how could

how could anyone do this to any one they loved

like

you love someone and you co-opt the lies their bullies and abusers spread then manipulate and lie to them

and you still love them

but

even if i know its jsut a lie

i cant help but think like

what if he's right

hes not but

back in august, i through Jelly asked them if we could talk

i just wanted to tell them that i loved them, and that losing them really relaly hurt

and they said something along the lines of 

i really dont want to talk to peanut and tell them that i dont want to talk to them even once in school

but if they loved me i cant just let that

like

i cant just nod and say oh they love me? oh nice

yk?

tbh

my plan since they told jelly that they wouldnt ever talk to me online or irl again was to

put all my thoughts and the things i've kept from them about me like how i feel more comfortable as a girl or that i love them

like make a google doc of all of that

and then kill myself

because they would never talk to me while im still breathing you know

but if someon like the principal or my dad or jelly

goes to them and shows them the google do cand goes peanut wanted you to read this

there's a higher chance that they will

so yeah

thats has been my plan for a few months now

i tried a good five times i n various ways 

the only way someone could do this to their best friend while completely aware would be if they never were actually friends

and or they wanted them dead

so

 i wlso want to show them 

liek

if i die

itll be

my ultimate proof of love for htme

because i want them to be happy

and theyll be happy when im gone, because im gone

this is completely unrelated but i need to put it somewhere otherwise I'll lose it

MacGaradh Clan tartan