Journal Entry 1:

I had a situationship with someone almost a year ago, that had ended mid November. I was madly in love. I wrote letters, a poem, and even drew her once. 

I am a very spiritual person and have experienced many things that I can explain, but they most likely will not be very accurate, since we know so little about the spiritual realm. I've always been spiritual. I've  healed through prayer as a toddler, I've spoken in tongues, I've predicted many things, I've manifested a lot of things, I also still get signs throughout my daily life.

It started around September. We knew each other, but hadn't spoken at all in over 2 years. Because I had liked her before, her boyfriend at the time did not allow her to speak to me. When they had broken up, we had reconnected as friends. I was surprised since they had been together for a long time. I tried my best to help her grow out of her shell. Slowly she did become more comfortable. We would always hang out at her house, a group of 4 including my best friend and her best friend. I then told her how I still had feelings for her. I didn't tell her upfront, because I feel like vomiting when I speak to someone about serious things that involve vulnerability with the risk of rejection. So, I "left" my wallet in her room with a folded letter saying how I felt. I told her best friend about it, I asked her if she could call her later that night and tell her to go through my wallet. It had worked according to plan. I received a call later that night and she told me she didn't know what to say.

Later, I kept making letters for her, I loved how they made her smile. I would always do my best to check up on her, making sure she was doing okay, and making sure I was never crossing any lines. Homecoming week came and I was so hurt because I had a feeling her feelings were going towards another direction. No confirmation, just a feeling that there would be someone else. Many people spoke badly of her, I would always defend her name when coming across these rumors. I knew deep down she was a good person, I had my faith in her. Homecoming night was fine, we spent it together with our group and then went out to eat. She had never tried Wing-stop and I looked at her as if she came from outer space. I told her to trust me on her order, she said okay, I paid of course. (I get honey hot rub, boneless, it's so good.) She loved it. 

Days passed by, we would call 24/7. If we weren't on call we were hanging at her house. Then, one day things just felt off. The affection was no longer there, and I felt I was annoying her. I walked home from school, my earphones on blast, and a heavy heart. I knew something was going to happen. Mid walk, I get a message. I glance at the notification. A paragraph. A ball had already formed in my throat. As soon as I got home, I cried myself to sleep. I asked God why. Why me. I fell asleep and had a dream that felt so real. I dreamt she returned all the letters to me folded up in between my laundry. (I had many dreams when being with her, many coming true. Others involved the letters I would give her.) I woke up crying, a song played as soon as I did.

The lyrics played: 

Last night I dreamt we did our laundry together

And we were singing the same song

While we folded our clothes

As I recall, you looked like total doofus

Which is pretty accurate

So I woke up feeling sad

'Cause it never happened

I felt terrible. I wanted a break from her. I got closer to her best friend and we became best friends. I found out she was talking to the other guy while we were talking. She was afraid of losing me, while I was afraid of losing myself. One night I felt gloomy, asking God for forgiveness. I saw a TikTok saying, God says forgive men their trespasses and he will forgive you. (Basically, don't expect forgiveness if you are not willing to give forgiveness yourself.) I then got a call from my step grandpa. I did not want to answer, it was probably going to be about his tv remote, but something told me to answer. It was my grandma. She NEVER calls me through his phone. (still to this day, the first and last time she did.) She asked me a question, and she asked if I was okay. I explained about forgiveness and how I asked for a sign. She said you'll know what to do, he brings us signs when we need them the most. I then messaged her giving her forgiveness and owning up to my ego getting in the way. We agreed to being friends. 

She had invited me to her birthday before the break. It was only a couple weeks ahead. I still felt very sick. The day before, she called me asking if I was going. I said yes. (I couldn't say no for anything.) Day of the party comes. I went to the store looking for the gift I had promised myself to give her months ago. They didn't have it anymore. So, I decided to get her the Billie Eillish perfume, since I had recalled she ran out the last time I stayed over at her house. She never told me she ran out. When we would hang out, I would always knock out on her bed. One day I glanced at her and she made a shocked face when she realized it wasn't spraying as it used to.

I then go to her house, I'm awkward the whole time. She made a questionnaire seeing who knew her the most. Her best friend since childhood got a 7/20, her best friend at the time got a 14/20, everyone else got below 11/20. They asked me last. I had gotten a 19/20. She was shocked. I wasn't at all. I knew her for 3 years and always listened even when it didn't seem like it. The only thing I got wrong was her shoe size. I put 7, because I remembered her saying 7, Turns out she was a 7 in mens. Meaning I got all 20. When it was time to open the gifts, she was grateful for all the gifts that she had received that night. When it came to mine, (coincidentally last again...) she gasped and wanted to cry. She thanked me and gave me a hug. I was still awkward but told her I was glad she liked it. 

Later, I found out that while we were "together" she had spoken horribly about me. I was so upset, asking God why there were so many signs that led to an ending. Even after we split, I predicted what was going to happen next. I was so exhausted and she had me blocked from 2 of her accounts, but she hadn't blocked me on her jewelry account. I knew what was going to happen. I blocked her everywhere and stopped any loops from happening and I didn't want to be a problem for her future relationship. I was depressed for a long time, since we never had any form of closure.

Fast forward to last week. My friend sent me pics of homecoming, she was in the back of every photo. The next workday I had, she came to eat at the restaurant I worked at. I felt like vomiting. I hadn't seen her in months and I still had unfinished things to say to her. I understood her problems. I understood she's human too. 

I don't see myself going back at all, but I wish we could have one last meaningful conversation. Explaining each other's side of the story without judgment, and leaving with a peaceful goodbye. She is still with the other person, so speaking out of the blue seems disrespectful and just seems like added weight. Maybe one day we'll cross paths to say our meaningful goodbyes. 

It's 3am so my grammar is more than likely ass...

I'll check tomorrow if I wrote it all correctly. 

More stuff did happen in between, 

but I just kept the important stuff. 

If not, It would've lasted forever...

I have a lot more stories about my life! 

Let me know if you'd like to hear more (: