Joys and Anxiety

I've recently been finding myself to find joy and happiness in the things that some dislike. In the same spectrum, something that I know brings people joy and is something they look forward to gives me anxiety where my vision tunnels and breathing becomes almost impossible. Not to say that I don't understand how others enjoy or dislike these things as some of them I used to enjoy, or used to dislike or fear myself. I never really know where I stand between the sayings of "people don't really ever change" and "anyone can change and become someone anew," as I feel like I've lived through both saying being true within myself. 

My parents were very distraught about the poor lighting outside in my current place to the point that my dad went out of his way to instantly buy me lights to plug in outside. My downstairs neighbor had the same concern as he instantly changed the bulb to one of the lights outside that was next to his door as soon as he could. When we finally ran into each other after the light bulb was changed, he was saying how the other one, by my door is very dim (which I actually think is perfect, it lights up just enough in the dark and isn't too harsh) whereas it's nice to have a light in the dark. I enjoy going outside and using the light that I get, not in a way that I won't put in an effort if I genuinely can't see. It's probably one of those neurodivergent things to enjoy low lighting, or the fibromyalgia, either way, I've always found it relaxing on my eyes to sit in a dark room than ever it  was to sit in a brightly lit room. Brightly lit rooms were always fine as long as it was because I was supposed to be doing something, but to relax?.... 
Since living alone, I've realized how much I enjoy being alone although it is still my biggest fear; however I have two cats who make sure to keep me grounded to reality. I really am thankful for my cats, and the friends that I have who actively also make sure I'm doing alright. I used to hate being alone; I would feel empty. My thoughts would be overwhelming which, was good and bad. Good in a way of I used to be able to write stories non stop and when I started treatment I did start to feel better but, writers block really came through. I realized how much of my writing was me just trying to silence my brain and how overwhelmed it was with being alone. I'm going a bit off topic from the original point, that topic is for another post. I recently saw in a discord server someone ask as a question for pinging chat revive if you'd rather be really cold or really hot, the person themselves said hot. I think about that a lot. It's also one of those posts I see about people missing summer in the winter and winter in the summer. I used to hate winter; mostly because I thought winter meant ugly clothing. Entering my 20s winter became a favourite as layering became something that I love and feel comfortable in and easiest way to express myself- and hey, I mean, sometimes feeling like a  bundle of clothing isn't so bad? The same point, I love winter time smoke sessions, especially on the first snow day, not the centimeter of snow, no no, the good 2 feet of snow where you end up having to put on boots; getting wet anyway. I have my clothing I wear when I'm actually going out and then comfy clothing so pretty much every cold day I am walking out as a bundle of clothing to sit outside and do my thing. It is still cold, but somehow the multiple layers pressing against my skin that are all not tight and just tight, with a blanket and scarf... I guess it feels almost like being under a blanket all warm, which is the thing that I see people say they don't really enjoy. I don't love it as my fingers end up feeling like numb iscles, if that's a thing; its the same thing my friends complain about. Sometimes it can feel like it's absolutely impossible to escape the cold, but when I'm layered correctly and just sitting on my porch near a warm source it's, relaxing and grounding. I end up missing it in the summer every time and waiting for winter to come back, only to start going outside more the second it gets cold again. This probably sounds confusing, yeah I don't love the cold, but it makes me happy.  I used to also be afraid of the dark as I mentioned earlier in this post, and I know it's a part of the reason why I find it so comforting now. 

The wheel of my opinions spin. A few months ago my vision suddenly changed and my glasses started to give me a headache. I actually still don't have glasses to this day. About a decade ago, my parents and I discovered that because of my face shape, eyebrows and everything; it would take driving around for an entire day to over 20 stores to just try on glasses and at lead  get some of lead as no frame suit me, or I didn't like the colour. In the end of this story we ended up ordering me glasses until I was 18 and moved out. I eventually got my eyes checked a few years ago and I lucked out with finding a frame that I liked and my insurance covered, which by the way for context covers glasses only once every two years. My vision had in fact changed before I was able to buy new glasses and, also to my luck, there were no suitable frames in my budget at my clinic this time. My friend ended up taking me to a few stores, bringing out the worst in me as I was sent back into how much I hate the glasses looking process. It's the eyes of the people looking at me and trying glasses on in front of the people who work there who are watching me, with them walking over and asking if I want their opinion making me even more anxious. I understand people are doing their job but overall after multiple tries I ended up going home sobbing and overwhelmed because I was brought back to reality that most of the time that industry favours minus prescriptions, and I have a plus one. I know obviously the reason these people are so friendly is because, well, I assume people enjoy going out to choose new glasses and find a pretty new frame. I always dreaded the part of having the people look at me and watch me as I'm trying them on. The end of this story is I tried finding glasses online to find out my insurance doesn't do online, which by the way is from disability benefits (I call bullshit.) 

I did make a post just to rant about "wow how to people enjoy this?" or "wow how to people not enjoy this?"  I never understand why people want more light outside when its dark out and, if I can see what I'm doing then that's all I really need. I personally think its easier to layer with comfy blankets and layers rather than suffer from being too hot, but that's me personally. It's one of my fascination with how humans, and how we all have different preferences and different things that make our brain hum in satisfaction, even though another wouldn't really understand.  At the same time I really do wish the world was more kinder and open to accommodating people with anxiety, and slower thinking; I know ever since developing chronic pain I've had to sometimes take longer with my thoughts and deciding things, more of a speed of someone older, not someone in their mid twenties; smoking helps with me feeling less anxious about taking my time and I have more space to remind myself to breathe. Sometimes I also feel stupid that I can't do things the way they are set up; just as someone who doesn't drive already with chronic pain going to multiple stores not to find anything, or find out the price includes things I don't want but the things I do want it will make me pay out of pocket. Then dealing with tunnel vision like anxiety to top off the cake. At least I know what I want, from my many many searches so either way, I will (hopefully) see in HD again soon even through all the distress. 

I finished writing at 05:05am, me and the angel numbers and just repetitive numbers is... it's driving me a little crazy. Anyways, how are you celebrating Halloween(Samhain) eve eve's? 

Khoas