just something i need to get out

hi guys. so i know i havent posted in a while, sorry!! ive been going a bit insane. you know how it is. this is gonna be a different kind of post though, because something happened last night in my dms and i think writing it down will help me process it.

so basically it was like 1 AM and tempest messaged me out of nowhere. we were just chatting about nothing, she was sending me pictures of her cat knocking stuff off the desk, it was really cozy actually. and then i saw the “typing...” thing show up. and stop. and show up again. like four times. and then she wrote that she had to tell me something because she couldnt keep it in anymore. and i said of course, you can tell me anything.

and she wrote that outright doesnt like me.

and i laughed. out loud, alone in my room. because thats funny, right? outright is my best friend. we have talked every single day for almost three years. outright is the reason i even joined the server. my status has been “outright <3” for like a year. so i typed no, youre wrong, hes just been stressed lately, and tempest left me on read for a whole minute. i just stared at the little “seen” under my message.

and then she wrote that he doesnt just not like you. he hates you. he calls you exhausting in the private channel. all of them do. theres a whole thread. and then she sent screenshots.

anyway!! thats what happened. i am totally fine. i wrote thanks for telling me, and we said goodnight, and i put my phone face down. i made some tea. i think im handling this really maturely.

ok so its been like an hour since i wrote that and i just want to say i have been thinking about it and the screenshots dont really make sense?? because outright sent me a voice message on tuesday. he said “goodnight, sleep well, love you.” i still have it saved. you cant say that and hate someone. thats not how that works. so either tempest is lying or outright is lying and tempest has no reason to lie so

so

he lied. for three years he

no. no, wait. hold on.

ok. sorry. i just got a little dizzy. im fine. i got some water. i havent been outside in like a week so maybe thats why.

i keep going back through our dms. every single time i typed “are we ok??” and he wrote “of course omg stop worrying.” every time. and i BELIEVED him. i scrolled up just now and there are THOUSANDS of messages and in every single one he was lying to me. he sent me hearts. he sent me “ur my favorite person.” and in the private channel he was typing “ugh shes so exhausting” while i sat here in my room waiting for his little green dot to come on like an IDIOT

do you know how many nights i stayed up for him?? do you know what i told him?? i told him EVERYTHING. i havent told anyone else anything in months, why would i, i dont HAVE anyone else, he was supposed to be the one person. my whole life is in that dm. my whole life is in his HANDS and he was screenshotting it for a laugh

i just opened the screenshots again. i know i shouldnt. there is a little laughing emoji under my name. under MY NAME. whoever reacted to that, i hope it was fun. i hope the thread was worth it. outright you fake, two-faced snake. you called me your best friend. you let me say i love you and you said it BACK. who DOES that. what kind of sick person does that

and everyone knew didnt they. EVERYONE KNEW. the whole server just sitting there letting me look like a fool. tempest knew for how long?? how long has she known?? why tell me NOW. why at 1 AM when she knew id be alone. was it more fun to watch me read it and not be able to answer

no. no no no she was being nice. she was trying to help. i know that. i KNOW that. i just

why are my hands shaking

im sorry this is a mess. i dont even know who im talking to anymore. i just keep typing. i cant stop typing. if i stop typing then i have to sit in this room with it and its so quiet in here

he called me EXHAUSTING. i have been trying SO HARD. i never asked for too much, i always said its okay if youre busy, i never ever got mad at him, not ONCE, and he hated me anyway. and what do i even have left?? the server is all i have. thats it. thats the whole list. my room and the server

YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING LIAR. YOU PATHETIC COWARD. you couldnt even say it to my face, you hid in a thread with your little friends. you let me love you for three YEARS and you just laughed. I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON EVERY HEART YOU EVER SENT ME. you sick, disgusting, heartless FAKE. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND YOU SPAT ON IT

am i exhausting. am i. is that what i am. is that all i am. was it just people being polite until they could log off

its 5 AM. i dont know when it got to be 5 AM. tempest is still online. shes not typing. i keep waiting for the three dots. why are there no dots

if anyone reads this please tell me outright was lying. please just tell me the screenshots are fake. someone say it. ill believe whatever you say. i just need one person to say it