kafka kafka kafka la la la

i can't quit thinking about that tweet or post on tumblr or something that joked and was like.. "why do highly intelligent intellectuals sit around and jerk off all day?" whatever. there's really no reason for it. maybe its association with intelligence, and that as a whole being really present in my mind recently. insecurity, most likely. i think i'm an idiot. if i can't understand a movie's meaning or symbolism right off the bat, as an example, i convince myself it's incredibly easy for everyone else except me. which is... unrealistic. it always is. i don't think i've ever had a true realistic thought. i mean REALLY true. i mean i'm a realist. i think. if i think about it too hard i kinda become everything: idealist, realist, optimist, pessimist, etcetra etcetra, which i think is the case for most people. or it's just another case of me refusing to be pinned down to anything.

for a guy who loves nuance i sure think in extreme black and whites. just straight monochrome. but even mono has complexity??? this analogy isn't going anywhere... i'm writing for the sake of writing. i made a promise to myself i'd write every day. so i'm doing it. yoohoo.

went to work. it's the second to last week i'm there. less than a month i'm moving back to the city for the new school year. scared half to death. i used to be excited when i was a kid. i cant tell what it is anymore. this dread. it's probably something akin to what excitement used to be connotative... ly. what its purpose Used to be in language. to just get all hyped up with whatever emotion it could be. crying. screaming. happy. just bouncing. hyper. alert. i think alerts more like it. but not even. i'm not bouncing off the walls. i feel tangled in nausea. like someone's coming for me. but it's fine too. like your organs are uncanny. something's wrong. the credits are rolling too soon... that sorta shock that makes your eyes fall into the back of your head to check if everything's all right in there. if you processed that correctly. SCHOOL. god. 

the sleep debt i managed to build from my previous year has been devastating in all of the ways i could think it possible. never in my life have i ever been more exhausted. when they say that's shit only a twenty y.o. could do theyre NOT KIDDING. first half of the year: every friday, wake up at 4AM and run to the train so i could get to my 6 hour studio class (hr break in between). work at genuinely the WORST clothing store you could ever land a position at every other day i wasn't on campus. second half: wake up TWICE a week at 3 in the morning, this time only for my 3 hour classes, but there was no way for me to make up the sleep i'd lose.. esp because i'd have to get up at 7AM the next morning to get to my job. i got a new one at that point.. cycled through 3 jobs throughout that period. jesus christ. i don't even want to get into the rest of the shit that happened to me following. i don't even know if my brain has even fully come to terms with what's going on yet. 

almost fell asleep twice during my shift LOL. went home and thought to myself: wow i cant wait to sleep. still not asleep... not exactly my fault though. had to take my meds. mood stabilizers. whatever. i always have this weird sensation come over me, mainly in my head, like a strange headache right before i have to take them. maybe it times it just right, so it wears off right when it needs to be put back into ur system.. yeah. duh. yeah? duh? i don't know im a doctor i just wanna sound smartookkkkayyyyyyyughhh

ok im pooped. good night usa 

watched: after hours (1985) dir by scorsese after work (haha)
read: a bit of house of leaves & close to knives during my shift