keep it together

ill use the last of sanity to be as normal as possible and hold out for however long I can last so expect less coherent blogs as an attempt to conserve my humanity

I haven't left my room in 2 days and haven't left the house in 2 weeks I think, time passes so slow in the moment but when looking at the big picture it flies by so fast 

I'm scared to move because I think someone is trying to control me, I just want to make a decision on my own without it being choreographed by someone else, so just shut up and stop telling me what to do

I'm a fuckng punk, I've said this many times I'm sure

I'll do something just because I'm told I cant 

I wont do something just because i'm told to do it

I hate the world, everything, and everyone, including myself

I've always been like this, I cant know for sure but I feel it, I know what I feel 

i remember something, I'm on the beach, my family is there too, my auntie there aswell, she asks me something, "why have you been pushing everyone away", something along those lines I think. "I just need to be left alone for just a little bit ykwim". That must have been quite a bit ago when I still talked a little bit

I anything I remember the view crystal clear,  it was beautiful 

so why, why'd you have to ruin my life? AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT, I know what you are, the type of person so say meaningless words and never act on them, even if you did they wouldn't be true. No more lies

people like you don't change, not after all the shit you pulled. Fucking with me for over half a year, so convinced that everything was the problem but you, so delusional, so crazy, insanity really. yk I tried so hard not to hate you, to remain neutral to all of it, not to bear grudges against anyone, but it was like you wanted me to hate you, so I will

and the NERVE to be confused when this EXACT SAME THING happened with steven, just rebellious teens starting to rebel like rebellious teens and you didn't know how to handle that, and that probably not even really your fault when it all comes down to it, blame it on your childhood, or the devil, or the fucking radio waves messing with the kids heads, listen here, IM NOT YOU, that's YOUR job to sort YOUR shit out, or just DON'T HAVE KIDS, simple as that, such an ignorant fucking excuse for human cant even answer why you would other than "I should". the only difference between Steven and me is that steven gave up and put up with your shit, why should I? because I have some of your genetics? remember this, no matter how fond you remember me know it was all a lie, I learnt young that if I sucked up to you I was treated better, that's all it ever was, as I grew up I saw how you treated other people, why is it my responsibility to love someone that I never even liked? and that's not a rhetorical question, I've only ever been given one answer to this without exception, not even once  "oh because she is your mother",  and they say it so arrogantly like its so obvious and I'm stupid for not loving someone that I don't like, but when you look into their eyes it's obvious they don't even know what they mean, because they have the blessing of parentage, and just fucking try to say some shit like because "I get fed", or because "I have a roof over my head" yeah so fucking what? I didn't ask to be born. That's the bare bare minimum, if you didn't feed me I wouldn't say a word, but oh its all okay because "you love me now", that doesn't mean shit to me anymore, no, wait, less than shit, It fucking hurts when you say that, because you have no idea what I feel. Now that I think about it that's so like you, to say hollow words without hesitation in order to get your way, fuck you, and I mean that.