Last few weeks

These past few weeks have been incredibly chaotic. There was something wrong with the paperwork for my university enrollment, so now I have to start the entire process from scratch. My job search hasn't been going particularly well either, and lately I feel like my life has no real direction, things couldn't possibly get any worse (they could). On top of that, my friend group has practically fallen apart.

I'm so tired of constantly writing about the same things, but it genuinely feels like every time something good happens to me, life has to throw another 500 terrible things my way just to balance it out. I don't understand why things keep happening like this. Until recently, I felt so productive, so independent, so much like an actual adult. And now I'm back to feeling completely useless, like some kind of idiot who simply isn't capable of figuring out how to live life the way I'm supposed to.

I think about dying. A lot. Almost every night. I want to disconnect from my phone because I feel like it's been doing more harm than good for my mental health, but giving up the constant stimulation it provides would also mean having to sit in silence with my own thoughts, with everything that's been going wrong in my life. I don't know what to do.

I just want to leave this place and start over somewhere else. In another city, where nobody knows me, where nobody has any expectations of who I should be or what I should be doing with my life. Somewhere I could just exist without feeling like I'm constantly falling short of something. I don't know. I just wish things could be different.