Learning to live

Since I was very young, life has been very cruel. Yet there I was, trying to find the light in all the darkness. Fast forward: I attempted... took it as a sign that I am meant for something bigger. Stopped partying and drugs, started therapy/medication, and went back to college. I gave it my all... mingled, joined clubs, attended events. Then life started testing me, but how could I handle all that without my vices? I'm stone cold sober, feeling the weight of this sadness. I kept going, thinking this is just how normal people go about the trials of life. 

It felt like life was just like Sisyphus constantly rolling that boulder up the hill. The weight kept getting heavier and heavier. I isolated, stopped therapy and meds, slowly gave up on grades but kept at my degree plan. This empty feeling started to grow. I thought maybe I just needed a break from people. Since I pour so much into others, I should pour into my own cup, right? When, in hindsight, I was setting myself up for another fall.

During the summer, I decided to give socializing another try, but this person only wanted to party, and that just wasn't my thing. I went out either way but had drinks forced on me with guilt. Despite my efforts to communicate, I just isolated again and bed rotted. Decided therapy and meds should help again; I can't let myself just get this far when I haven't even lived out my efforts. I tried to find that light again, but come December, I tried everything to get rid of this heavy void feeling. Something inside me just snapped, and I said fuck it. I OD'd 

This suicidal ideation is like a disease with no cure. I love life.. I love people.. I love to love.. Why must my thoughts be so cruel to me? What's worse is that I spent my whole life wanting to end it, and when it finally came to living life.. I don't have a goal.. or dreams. All I want is peace and a safe place to call home. That's it. 

When I see someone post about how their mental health has improved, I can't help but just feel happy for them. Like there's a glimpse of hope that I can feel that way someday. I could never envy someone finding happiness or a breakthrough. 

If you suffer from depression and you're still here. I love you... and I'm proud of you. You should be just as proud of yourself too <3