Life, isolation, and addiction.

I have had a lot on my mind lately, normally I would just write in my journal but that feels like I am tossing all of my effort into an abyss, to put it simply writing for myself doesn't feel that fulfilling. Writing here I can know there is the possibility albeit slim of someone coming across this, what they think or feel about it doesn't matter all to much to me. Also much of this will probably just be me bitching about my life and my inability to change it, if you don't like listening to people whine or negativity in general I'd avoid me and especially my blog as that is likely what I'll be using it for. 

Living for me has felt horrible for the past couple of years ever since quarantine my perception of the life has gradually shifted into what feels like a constant nightmare. I remember not caring about anything or anyone and existing in my own world being near constantly consumed by distractions now I have no friends, I don't feel comfortable doing anything, and I have to constantly numb myself with nicotine just to passively exist. 

The most pressing issue in my life is how isolating it is and has always felt. Life for me doesn't feel like a string of events and people but a constant shifting between fulfillment and despair with the latter making up the overwhelming majority of my life. Friendship for me has become synonymous with getting stabbed in the back. In the past when I became close to someone I remember always getting this overwhelming feeling of joy, feeling like I finally had a future and most importantly like it would last. That feeling for me is dead now, every friend I have ever had has either left, no longer cares about me, or never did. I have cycled through so many people just for all of them to fucking leave me. I know it's petty to blame everything on them and am past that, this is my problem. I know that I have nothing for anyone to find anything worth having in me so most of my friendships come from people who are similar to me or who pity me which doesn't make for any stable friendship. 

To fix these problems following a particularly harsh event I remember having my first cigarette a year or two ago. To this day I have been in that same constant cycle of addiction and it is what destroyed my most recent friendship a bit under a year ago. I have at times wanted nothing more than to quit but doing so feels impossible. Going even a few hours without nicotine sends me down a very rough downward spiral of emotions and feeling. The emotions are much worse than whatever physical pain I feel or perceive as it feels like my mind is unravelling. I thankfully no longer smoke cigarettes which is probably one of the most harmful ways to get nicotine but the mere thought of quitting scares me. I have no friends to get me through it like I may have a year ago and even then he couldn't seem to get how painful trying to quit was for me. 

I feel embarrassed by how pathetic I must sound but I know I have little left to lose so at least trying to connect to someone even through this way Is an easy trade.

Also I do not want pity or help, talking to someone would be nice but I do not want to be a liability to anyone. I am also not in danger or anything, thoughts of mine regarding death usually don't go anywhere beyond thoughts so don't feel like I am in urgent need of help.

I mostly just want people to understand me and how I feel, I also know that there are probably people out there who feel similar to me and in making my thoughts known there is a slim chance someone may relate to this and feel less alone which makes me happy.

To whoever may have read this I hope you have a nice life.