life's a waste without you

life's a waste without you and me

but i'll spent every single second of this time apart trying to put it all back into place, all my life, all the things we complained about, all the obstacles, i will put them right into place, i swear to you, nothing will come between us when i come back

there's this girl on instagram, the one that follows everyone but nobody fucking knows who she is, remember? she talked to me again. probably saw i have no colors anymore in my profile (you were all i had there)

i didn't really answer, said hi back, my age even tho it was a stupid question, she introduced herself, i couldnt give two fucks about it and left her in delivered. i don't want her or anybody else like i want you. 

i always answered you, that won't change, ever. i laughed at the tiktoks you sent me and then sobbed a little because you called me by my name, i did it first but i sometimes did, you never called me by my name, baby. and i know that's just us right now but it doesnt make it any less easier, it doesnt make it hurt less.

i didn't make my bed today, didn't feel like it.

I showered yesterday, it felt difficult to do so when you werent yapping about how much of a clean person i am.

i got my grade back of physics, the first exam, guess what? i passed. a five point one. i felt good about it but i wasnt that happy when you werent there congratulating me and saying how smart i was.

yes, i know i don't have to be so hard on myself. but i miss you, and i still love you, more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

i see your profile picture of that guitarist that loves turtles (just like me), i see him everywhere and i see you through him because of his piercings that he doesnt even wear anymore, it makes me sad every time i see him, but it doesnt matter because it's what i have left of you, apart from all the gifts and little notes and the pictures and our memories and the videos and your eyes on my eyes and lips on my lips and all of it burned in my memory

i want to ask. how did you sleep? did you have any nightmares? any dumb shit your subconscious put on your mind because it felt like it? did you eat properly today? and yesterday? will you, tomorrow? did your dad become more of an asshole? i'm sorry, no offense. are the cats okay? did you took any dumb photos of them you wanna show me? how's otti? did you take any photos you want to send me? i miss calling you pretty and handsome and beautiful and god you're so hot, because you are.

I cried in the train the other day because i remembered when you were with me and left me in the last station for me to go home. i remember looking back to give you a kiss and you were nowhere to be seen. i almost cried, but i knew it was easier to just go than to say goodbye, now i wish i went and looked out for you so i could give you a proper kiss and watch the train go. even if it hurted more.

I'm gonna light up this place just to be with you. i won't ever get over you because i won't let myself. how could i? i told you, there's not going to be any other "g" to my "f", i will never sing the same songs to someone else or even the new ones, i will never record myself playing guitar for someone else to see if it's not you, well, i did once (two days ago), uploaded it to my instagram, hoping some friend of yours showed it to you, but at the same time hoping they wouldnt because i sounded wrecked -because i am wrecked-

we still had to see "good omens" together, remember?, i won't watch it if it's not with you. i miss you terribly.

i can't hear any songs without thinking of you, again, and crying. i miss you terribly. i catched myself having to skip songs or i would cry right in the moment and my mother would ask.

i miss you sober and awake and asleep and happy and sad and angry, in the train, in college, in my house, in my city, in the streets, watching a reel or a tiktok, hearing or watching mcr or ptv, seeing purple or a cat, looking through the lights and looking at my own fucking building because you were there right outside and kissed me for the first time because i was a coward and didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable doing it first and i miss your piercings on my lips and crushing and hugging your perfect body that fit perfectly with mine 

i'll throw my arms around you and we'll die into ashes.

it's always nice to read you and know about you. i love to hear your voice, remember? i could listen to you until both my ears fall down, i wouldnt care. but now my tears are falling down my cheeks and i do care about that, those drop by every time i hear about anything that i could relate to you, anything that i see that reminds me of you.

my best friend said that i would get out of this one because i am strong and i do it every time. but i don't want to. no. i won't. Maybe i'll kiss meaningless people and look at other people that have the same meaning(less), but what does that give me if it's not you who i am with? if it's not you who i am laughing with and hating or yapping about other people because that's just us? my best friend said it would be fine, my other friend said the same, a former classmate asked me how my partner was, i had to tell her i wasnt with you anymore and she said sorry, then said it would be fine, my classmate told me that i made the right decision because i was projecting my life with you, said it was fine and if we were meant to be our paths will cross.

it's not fine, nothing at all is fine. 

i was thinking this was easier than last time, it doesnt hurt that much because i can still talk to you, i just don't because i'm scared it will hurt you more and you know very well i hate when you're sad and hurting, it doesnt matter if it hurts me more. last time we were doing no contact, i don't want to do that this time, because i can lose you forever and the words even sting while i write them, i would never forgive myself if that happened.

"if we're meant to be our paths will cross" fuck that, i'll trace my own path, what about it? 

until then i'll raise everything i have to, i'll pass my exams, i swear, i'll eat properly and maybe start smoking because that's the only warmth i'll feel ever again (before going back to you), i'll get the fuck away of my family if it means i can go back with you, i'll stay away from europe until i can be with you or maybe i'll go just so i can have more opportunities to have stability and be with you and we can travel the world while i do my job and you do yours and maybe i'll finally be a musician, i'll be better and i'll go to therapy so i can change this habit of mine to hurt and be cold, i'll raise money so i can go to that concert and think about you in every possible song they play out, i'll grow a beard and work out, i'll change my clothes and i'll be cleaner than ever, i'll go back with the love of my life and i'll finally rest, but promise to me you'll do the same. 

and if you ask who's the love of my life. honey, you don't have to ask, you already know. we both already know the answer. 

i love and miss you terribly.

25th April 2026