life's not too great right now (´;ω;)

self harm tw, weed tw

boy i sure would like to feel a little better than this

my ex wants to meet for lunch sometime soon, catch up, probably talk about the logistics of the divorce. part of me wants to see her again because i do still want to be her friend, and another part of me doesn't because i know she's going to ask about my life and i'm not going to have anything good to tell her. one of the reasons she held off on breaking up with me for so long even after realizing she's gay is because she knows how bad my home environment is. she knew what would happen when i went back and i tried to convince her that no, it's really fine, things have changed, it will be better now.

it's not better now. if anything it's worse. but if i'm honest with her i'll leave her saddled with all this guilt when she already feels terrible enough. she didn't handle things the most mature way but we found out we simply weren't compatible after 4 years of happiness and peace and that's fine, sometimes that just happens, it's not really her fault. i can't lie and say it hasn't left me with trust issues or that she didn't do anything wrong (she knew for 7 months that she didn't love me and pretended everything was normal, i had no clue... how could that not affect your future?) but she deserves to live how she wants and find fulfillment. i don't want to be honest with her and tell her how terrible i'm doing because she's going to feel like she's responsible for it.

there were a few weeks where things were looking up because i thought some of my family members were going to move out. they stayed in another part of the state for a little over a month and everything in the house felt different. the tension and aggression constantly hanging in the air were gone. you could finally take a full, deep breath. eventually they told us they were moving and i started emotionally preparing for that reality, preparing to kind of be okay again. but now they're back, permanently, for good, and it's up to me to finish my bachelor's while working in the next 5 years so i can get myself the fuck out of here. 

i told one of them directly, i said i was lucky to get out of this once and i'll be lucky to get out again. my self-harm has gotten more extreme in a frighteningly short amount of time. i'm smoking so much i have to take 3 or 4 bong hits to feel it. i don't care about things as much as i used to. i and other alters are having to escape into fantasies in video games/media just to feel like we're having any kind of fun or enjoyment in life. just like when we were in middle school, always splitting, staticky, unstable. constant arguments and having to walk on eggshells not to hearing screaming and slamming doors will do that to you. i feel like my body is constantly in survival mode. i take anxiety medicine every single morning. i enjoy being at my shitty job that's probably making my spine condition and nerve issues worse because it gets me out of the house. i feel like i'm losing my mind here and the light at the end of the tunnel is so many years away. i know i'm going to get out again but the time stretching out in front of me is so intimidating. everything in this house revolves around one hyper-manipulative narcissist who constantly gaslights you to the point where you truly don't know what's real and what's not and you have no ability to question them or escape the interrogations.

times like these i'm a little grateful to have a dissociative disorder and so much practice living in my own head. i've been escaping from reality, living a second life in my thoughts, for over 10 years now. i've done all this before. it sucks to have to do it again but it's survival. i think my best quality is being endlessly adaptable