im probably gonna puke in a lil bit but here we go. my head is fucking pounding for some reason and my lower half feels so numb. my desire for touch has gotten even worse!! everything is terrible!! ive been repeating the same things ive been doing for the past 2 weeks i wanna say. i get out of school, lie in bed and watch youtube, and check this god damn site,...,,, every conversation ive had with the people around me hasnt felt real at all, like im friggin faking that shite.. everything is telling me to fuck off and im this fudging close to fucking off. i always believed that i was just average at most things i did, but now i kinda figured out that im just bad at it. im a bad friend, bad student, bad brother, bad son, bad boyfriend, bad everything! I can't name one thing that im actually good at that matters. ive tried to get better at things but it just doesn't work man!!! all i want is just to be held. i want someone to hold me. I've watched about 14~ 2+ hour long videos over the past 2 weeks and I haven't retained a single lick of info from them. I wish I was someone else so much. I don't have good looks, I have an annoying personality, my parents say I say sorry too much, i eat too fast, and im lazy. (they're so right) people have probably said and thought more mean things about me but i havent heard them say it. most of the people around me proooooobably don't fw me though. fml wish i formed an actually likable personality but its what i am now! i really thought i was above this.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO BLOG ON MY SPACEHEY IMM SO FUCKING ERETARDED !!!!!!! anywho listened to 3 albums recently!!! *twist the torniquet* by catgrove st uhhh giving birth to thunder by indian summer and uhhhhh the dismemberment plan is terrified! by the dismemberment plan and they were all soooooper gud! twist the torniquet was pretty meh honestly not that great but giving birth to thunder and the dismemberment plan is terrified were SOOOO fuvking good! favorite song off them wereeee touch the wing of an angel... doesnt mean you can fly and tonight we mean it respectively!!! dismemberment plan was very strange tbh it was very radical but acadamy award was also good! giving birth to thunder was so fuckin radical the guitar was awesome theeee voice was so cool and it was all so cool!!!! need more dooeee.... gonna listen to twin fantasy (4reel dis time) telstar drugs andddd long season next!!!! wish me luckkkk!!!

you (myself) are hurting a sensitive young man//12

my thought process becomes more skewed throughout the day… im not a great person, already got that under wraps, but fuck man can i at least be decent?? everything felt better but its just fucking gone now man. i think its all with me though. if i had to be super duper honest, i dont think i super like my girlfriend. like yahhh i love her so much and i dont know what id do without her, but the negative emotions she brings outweigh the positive. AND IT SHOULDNT BE LIKE THAT BYTHEWAY! i dont fucking get it?? i should be happy, i really really really do, but it all just feels so fake. she says i love you but i dont think she means it i think its more habit than meaning. not to mention aswell, I SHOULDNT BE WITH HER??? shes the most prettiest thing ive ever laid my eyes on and shes super fucking funny but i can BARELY KEEP A CONVERSATION GOING WITH HER!!!! she says its okay if im dry but its not its not at all….. theres so much out there for her so im not sure whether to feel honored orrr afraid of the day she leavess…

and april if you see this no you actually didnt

ahem//13

i wrote that last blog down at about 2 fucking am and now that its the next day i feel like shit uhmmmm…….. i go back on just about everything i said right there i fucked up 

i want to be seen//14

im not gonna hold it to you pal i just want to hurt myself!! not as a form of taking out my rage or sum, i want to be noticed??? im not to sure but ive been thinking about things and i came down the idea that i just love attention. i want it all! i want people to cherish me, i want people to say things they probably dont mean, i want to be told im a good person, a good pal, a good boyfriend, when im very much NOT! i love it so much it makes me feel so happy! of course will i ever actually go hurt myself??? fuck no, too much of a pussy. did it once and i just felt awkward, but gosh, i just want someone to see me and worry for me. maybe i sounds stupid or something but it felt great for the brief moment i had it. whatever though im just a stupid 15 year old so what do i know??? 

i hope he skins me first!!!//15

ive never felt worse in my life i think?? first off, ive managed my way to laughing stock of the friend group! dunno how, but i have?? i dont think my gf uses this site anymore so i can say whatever! i dont think shes happy with me at all. any other person she can get along with just fine. (some people i feel she gets along toooo well with. its wrong for a boyfriend to be controlling and thats why i dont say a word but i just feel like ive been digitally cucked) but with me??? its just awkward! not even like romantic awkward just plain weird! and she keeps on making these jokes that kinda get under my skin. this happened yesterday at like 3 am i was getting really peeved by how i was getting treated by my buds over the day and one of my buds asks why my parents lock away my guns and BEFORE I COULD EVEN RESPOND she interjects with “so he doesnt shoot himself.” she apologizes later but i still hated it. i just told her it was fine and we continued on but im not gonna lie i took a drink of some whiskey b4 i came back. its happened b4 and im sure itll happen again but its whatever. its all just so fucking whatever!!! whateverrrrr!!!!! whagahahahhn!!!!! anywho stupid idiot teenager who overthinks things over and out!!!! and no comments cuz im scared of what people thinkg and its best we stay strangers

my mind is SOOOO WEEIIIRDD ANNDNDD QUUUIRKKYYY!!!!//16

the more i think about it the more im wondering what my thoughts are on my gf cuz liek...... honestly i think she views me more of a friend then a lover! its kinda scaring me tbh??? the way she treats me leaves me unfulfilled and sad but im just being a bit greedy and partially jealousy. in other news DRUG BUG JUST DROPPED AND EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!! discotheque of my own misery is genuinely one of the greatest songs ive heard in recent memory and im so happy!!!!! everything is gonna get worse but for now its not all that bad so ill try to cherish it as much as possible! its not helping me at all though cuz im ngl i feel like the best way i could put it is like im tied up? im all wrapped up in this pretty pink bow that i cant escape from??? im trying to make it all make sense but its just fucked and i hate sounding 2 edgy..... anywho skool tmrw so

everyfuckingday i login to complain//17

i genuinely want to fucking kill mysellf… everyone just pisses me off now dude. my close friends make me super fucking mad and it sucks. id love to spend time alone but i just cant handle the silence so i have to force myself through the same fucking unfunny jokes. im so sick of alll of it dude. im lying to people i know aswell. they ask me questions of they ask me if im fine about certain things and i just have to say “yeah, no its okay!” ITS NOT FUCKUNG OK!!! i hate it all damn it all to hell. the only thing i live for anymore is my girlfriend and shes slipping away since i dont even think we couldn be classified as lovees anymore. she always seems more interested in our other friends it just tearsbme apart.

im really gonna do it this time!!! dont call my bluff!!! im gonna do it!!!! yeah!!!//18

i hate it all so fucking much YEAHHH IM BACK AND IM HERE TO COMPLAIN!!!!!! WHOOOOHOHOOOOOO UYAHHHH!!! i feel so fucking ill and i hate my life!! i wish i never got with my girlfriend tbh? like, i really dont like how my life is now and i feel like shes a big aspect of it, but now that ive actually felt love, i dont wanna lose it! its so selfish i know but i just dont feel good at all and i know shes not happy either. shed be much happier with literally anyone else but me and im still here and im still making it worse for us. she says she loves me and such but it doesnt feel write. the things she used to tell me to make me feel something just dont feel like anything anymore. i know its best i try to take space away from all of it but i dont want to i feel like im just gonna miss it all and such. i cant make her laugh like others make her laugh, im not into the same things as her, and i dont think she finds me very attractive. were clinging onto a connection that isnt there and its eating away at me. i want her to love me but it wont come. AND TO MAKE IT WORSE WERE ONLINE SO I PROB WONT SEE HER 4 LIKE EVR!!!!!!!! if theres just one thing i reallhy wanna do i want to talk to her 1 on 1 more often but i know she doesnt want that cuz she'll get bored and wanna talk with our other friends. i wanna dissapear!!! and to make it so much worse my tik tok for you page is jusgt filled with people shooting themselves and shootings its SO LAME!!!! 

1234567890qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm//19

yah so remember how i was like super stressed out abt yesterday and shit? yeah well fuck that cuz EVERYTHING ROCKSSS!!! well not everything cuz my school life is fucked up, BUUTUTTTTT!!!!! i take back literally EVERYTHING I SAYYYY!!!! all it really takes is just one good talkin too and ive figured out that i REALLY really RLRELELELLEAAYAYAYYY love hhhhehhehhrhrrrrrrr AND SHE LOVES ME TOO BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!!!! it soun ds so boring but all that it took was deepwoken........ lleelelelelelelelelelelelel!!!!!!! shes awesome shes pretty shes great i love gher love her so much love yoyu if you see this luv it all JORVOP#WnvkiEniwp

my name 21//20

sometimes i have big problems differentiating pleasure between the act or the emotion if dat makes sense. no matter what the fuck happens, it ALWAYS leads back to this roadblock of a mindset. i just got done with possibly one of the best weeks of my life and i still feel like shit somehow?? dunno? damn it all to hell anyways its all fucked up to begin with! maybe im just looking for reasons to complain but its all just ruined. i need new albums dude i need to feel brand new! i cant say this is like a poetic sorrow this is just too normal. i dont feel like im in despair i just feel subpar. BUT WHO CARES!! i have a girlfriend who loves me, i have decent friends, i have time, and allat.

hi vs hello//21

 fucked it up again folks!!! woohooo!!! its gonna be more complaining and bitching cuz yk how it beee!! it started not to long ago i was calling with my girlfriend and i had already felt a little tossed up, and out of  the blue she says something that just really messed with me. idk it left me all fucked up kinda. im not gonna say it cuz yaa kno but its more the typa thing you tell to a friend or yourself rather than yr lover if you get it. i couldnt get out of thinking about it and it just plagued my mind all day. even as i write this lol(obviously)! not many words were said throughout leading to bland call. earlier today we called again and exchanged about 3 fucking sentences. i think its cuz of how bland ive been. she wants to stop calling for a bit to hopefully make the next time we call more refreshing. she says its not my fault, but it definitely is. if i just spoke more and didnt fucking give her silent treatment things would be fine. fmllllll… i dont feel like much except for lying in bed so idk what ill do from now on. all of my friends are dickheads and theres nothing fun to do. i fucked ddddd uppppppppp killmekillmekillme

i still sleep with the lights dim//22

i dont really remember much from my childhood. a lot of it blends into one giant conglomerate of motions and thoughts. i guess its why things impact me more at this age, because i never had a key moment in my childhood. when i woke up today i looked to my left and i saw my laptop slightly ajar with the earbuds strung over them. i dont know why, but it was a beautiful sight. i spent about an hour just looking into it, seeing the slight reflection of my face staring right back at me. i got up and brushed my teeth before bringing it to my desk and doing something which ive forgotten. time is flying by very fast. or i could just be waking up too late, unsure. everything i said right there means nothing. please ignore them. so many things have been filling my tiny little brain that i need to give them out, but i cant. those thoughts have begun seeping out of my brain and draining into the heart. i fear my diaphragm is lined with thoughts. one of the main thoughts i have is about suicide. not really me killing myself, but more the moments before it. how do people muster up the courage? how does someone climb to the top of a building, drive to the bridge, load that shell, get those pills and think “i am going to take my life. and i am okay with that.” its impressive, but how? where does your motivation lie in? is it really true no one couldve talked you out of it? honestly thats the reason why i believe those people are the most courageous of us all. they face the landscape and decide to lay down on the green grass. another one i tend to think on a lot is love (oh god). love is a very subjective topic to a lot of people, as they tend to experience it in vast ways. some dont feel at all, some feel it at every persons gaze. my love is buried somewhere in the middle. id be lying if i said i hadnt felt naturally more attracted to some people more than others, but i think mostly everyone is. currently, i do love. and i really, really, really, really, really, really dont plan on letting that emotion waver. if whoever sees this blog (hi!) reads the blog from yesterday, its a good example of when that feeling did waver. HORRIBLY, in fact. something came out of that and im not sure if its good or bad. its so in between that i kinda wish i never posted that blog at all. things like it are good reminders as to why some things are to stick to yourself. i was hoping to go on a walk today, but its way too hot to head out there. something i dont think ive told anyone is how much i love the wind. i love it when i can feel the breeze throw my clothes around my body. i love feeling the cold air blow through my hair. it feels nice. i didnt write this for any particular reason, its just my body felt too heavy for me to carry today, so im sorry if it doesnt make sense. it made more sense in my head i guess.

an attempt to "do a jonestown on yall mfers"//27

i only have like 2 things to complain about this run so lets keep it short sweet and simple!!!! first off, when will spacehey let me change my pfp..... i did it cuz i got sick of the city pop one and now its just perma stuck as the old one which is so boringggguhhh!!!!!! and second, i fuckin hattteeee having to maintain groups of buds!! i have like 3 groups of friends (1 irl, 2 online) and its veru annoying!!! im not gonna try to pivot the blame on just my mental issues bawttttt.... i do have disorders (some undiagnosed im sure) and i think they make it worse. i really try to maintain balance but honestly,,,, the first online one has onlyy 2-3 cool people and the rest are veeeerrry veeeeeeerrryr strange..... either that or i just dont talk to them enough to actually get them. the irl one has about 4 people in it and theyre very neat people!!! the biggest problem is that i suck at talking and most of them do too so it just becomes very awkward. and likeeee,,.,,, im very fond of music and they dont really rock with the same stuff i do,,,,,, horrible. my 2nd online group is the one i hang out with the most. its also kinda the one i hate going too aswel....... im kinda treated like shit there and the people who are nice to me are drowned out by those who arent. the comedy is scuffed too!!!!! mostly just being a rotation of tung sahur, sus, diddy, and some other brainrotted nonsense. of course im bound to bite a lil and humor it but i dont think its very funny imo......... today was the first year anniversary of me and my girlfriend being together so im very glad for that. im looking forward to many more years of it!!!! also my back hurts :(((((( i wish i was a better writer like some of my friends. a lot of the things i blabber about are such non issues but my friends write like they mean it. they write like they mean it cuz they DO mean it!!! i write like im unfulfilled.... BORRRRINNNGGG!!!!! its alright though. its all gonna be OKAY!!!!! i love life, i love all of my friends every single one of them, and i love you reader!!!! ok bye