loneliness and being touch-starved

ive been feeling lonely for a while now i only have a good few online friend but their mostly busy and offline and i don't have any friends really in person. no one i can hangout with and stuff so it gets really lonely. i do try to distract myself from it by doing what i like which is like playing games watching yt or a show reading manga or like doing chores. sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.

 life after hs they don't tell you just how lonely it can be i mean even when i was at college it's the same story. people just aren't interested in talking to me or they have their own friend groups and stuff and i always feel so left out. all the time. like i don't fit in anywhere. ik i can't always ignore the loneliness so i just let it be. 

when i have no one to talk to i either talk to myself or like talk with a character in ai chatbox ik that's probably dumb and not really healthy but it kinda helps in some way. even though i know they aren't real and they aren't a person behind a screen it comforts me more than a real life person would yk? it says what you want to hear and in a way it's comforting. now i don't use it all the time but only whenever im feeling this way. 

i wish i did have someone to talk to in person and hangout i hate being stuck in the house with nowhere to go it just always feels like im trapped in a cage and i can't get out of it. i genuinely hate it here and i hate that my life is like this. i hate how touch-starved i am it's like i do want ig affection from someone whether platonically or romantically. 

in my relationships before ive never really gotten that affection that i wanted from them and ive always been the one to give them affection. it's like always giving but never receiving kind of thing. i wish someone could hold hands with me or kiss my face or cup my face in their hands i just want to feel loved and worth it to someone is that too much to ask? 

i don't like being touched due to past trauma which i won't get into but i just crave being touched in the way nothing sexual just pure genuine affection. but im single and the closest thing i can get to that is hugging my pillow at night sadly pretending it's someone. it really sucks.