Lots of drama in my love life rn 👀

Lots of tea for my first blog. Unfortunately, it isn’t a happy one 🥹💔

Seeking some advice.

OKAY so theres somehow very little yet a lot to unpack here. Advice will be very appreciated. I have known this guy about a year now, and around two months ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. I did have a crush on him, I admit, but like.. I haven’t known him that long..? I met him in tenth grade and we’re going into eleventh right now. I did end up accepting him as my boyfriend but I almost instantly regretted it. 

I did in fact like him but I discovered I literally can’t be in a relationship. I overthink and stress so much it made my mental health plummet. It didn’t help that every minute, every second of the day he was trying to talk to me. He’s a social butterfly but claims to be antisocial. He couldn’t understand a sliver of what I meant when I tried to explain I had a low social battery. His constant presence exhausted me, and I tried telling him but he never listened. 

Additionally, he kept making inappropriate jokes about me which I was entirely not okay with. I would ask him not to and he would tone it down, just to do it again and play it off as him teasing and joking with me. 

He isn’t even remotely a good person. He has openly admitted to me that he used people and only sees them as a piece in his game, then claims I’m the only one he doesn’t see that way. Yet how would I know he isn’t lying? To add onto him being a bad person, he makes jokes I probably can’t even say here they’re so problematic. Like, he aspires to be the reincarnation of a certain German man, and thats only one example.

When we first got together, literally the SAME DAY he asked me to remove me being bisexual from my bio. He also asked I remove genderfluid because he didn’t want people referring to his girlfriend as a “he”. After a long conversation, in summary, he’s homophobic and said that gay people have something wrong with them and how they were raised.

So, heres why I need some advice. He is a horrible person, I’m scared of him, I hate being around him, hate hearing from him, and I never want to date him again. Yet at the same time I want to be around him, want to be held by him, and I love his voice. I try to deny it but the feeling is still there and I can’t make it go away like I need it to. 

I wonder if this is just stemming from loneliness and desperation? I recently moved two hours away from my friends and the people I grew up with and had to start new and at a new school. I was battling depression and feeling alone, maybe the “love” I think I have for him is only there because I’m desperate? I just need to know what I need to do and how to fix this.