love is, unironically, the most disgusting thing i’ve ever seen

this is possibly the most gothy ass negative ass rant I have ever made. like more than my others and they’re already bad. I have an extremely corrupted, bad view on love for multiple reasons + narcissistic tendencies that don’t let me see the enjoyment in loving someone else. So.. it’s basically nothing to me. 

Love IS disgusting. I hate it. I hate how attached people get, I hate how your emotions blind you all. I hate how emotions can blind me, too, but I’ve never been blinded by love. It’s such a useless terrible emotion. That primal need to connect with others, filling your brain and turning you into a lapdog — I am too defensive and too twisted by my own abuse to fit into that mould. 

People have stayed with terrible people because of love. People I know have let bad behaviour pass right by them for love. Someone stayed and listened to my bullshit just because they ‘loved’ me, harmed themselves after I left because they loved me. At some point. That’s the most terrible thing; the idea that any of you can love so hard that you harm yourself, that you harm others. I find it to be erratic, unintelligent.. the videos I see online of people crying and screaming over their lovers. It’s disgusting. Love is disgusting. It’s the feeling from the gods laid to the hands of the insect and the rat, and ripped apart just as insect and rat shall do. 

Now, what’s disgusting isn’t these people. I don’t have a problem with anyone I’m using as a reference. Or, I do, but it’s the emotional side of my mind that I know is incorrect. But what’s so horrific to me is simply the behaviour. I would never let someone control me like that. That’s what my development into.. whatever I am now, was. I wasn’t going to turn into HIM. Or HIM, or HER, or anyone, and I wasn’t going to let them control me either. No emotions controlling me. No one else’s emotions controlling me. So I guess when I see you all ripping yourself to shreds over a man or woman who wasn’t really all that much, then it makes me deeply disturbed, because a part of me was built off of NOT doing that. 

They say ‘the ideas can’t be replaced’, ‘he can’t be replaced’, but I don’t think so. He can’t be replaced, his exact DNA can’t be taken and he be cloned, but maybe you can fill the hole he left with another person. And maybe the spaces that person to cover are ones you need to fill in yourself with recovery. And maybe he wasn’t all that much anyways.. why try to replace a mosquito when you can get a lion or something? Why replace at all? Love isn’t everything, my, I prove that it can be nothing if you’re traumatised enough. The only compassion I need is the compassion to myself by myself, but maybe that’s just self preservation. 

(Just to make sure I’m not calling any of you ‘unintelligent’ for uncontrollable emotions but I’m rather calling the emotion itself to be ‘unintelligent’.)