lying & me

i usually feel bad when i lie. shocker. but recently did something kind of bad and it opened me up to not having a guilty conscience at all. Im starting to think that i could just lie about everything that doesnt really matter and be better for it. My girlfriend is wonderful, but sometimes she asks me questions and i cant help but feel like im exposing myself. If we break up, which is always something that could happen, i feel as though she would have a lot of compromising information.

I did something really bad as of recent, that i wont tell of for secret's sake. It wasnt like i killed someone, its just kind of immoral but wont harm me if i dont tell anyone. A long time ago, when i was first talking to the first girlfriend when i made this account, i was talking to someone else at the same time. Usually when i "talk to" someone, its exclusively, but it wasnt for a few weeks during the summer. When i ended things with the other girl, i told the first girlfriend, and she was rightfully mad. I kind of miss her sometimes... i showed her this blog a while ago, i dont think she'll ever visit it again, and i probably wont tell new girlfriend about it also. None of my friends have really read this, and i kind of doubt anyone would want to befriend me after reading any of these. 

Outside of these, im kind of dry, but im normal to people i know. so is everyone, no?

One thing i did want to say was that the whole "awareness of being aware" issue has gotten worse. Its like im judging the usual conclusions i come to for being corny and/or attention seeking. Now i kind of dont know what to think. 

i dont think i have enough thoughts to make this its own entry but it should probably be. Im completely lying to my music friends about what im doing separately. I hang out with them in vc like things are cool...they are not. Am i developing a fake personality with the people ive known for years? That and more in a short lesson on rhetorical questions. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can't be completely serious with the people in real life, and all my online friends aren't really online anymore. I put myself into this position, i guess. I'm lost, and can't ask for help for someone who's ""been"" in this situation. The least i can do is offer for someone to read these, but the picking pool is extremely slim and only ever getting slimmer. 

I feel like im lying to my girlfriend. she looks great, don't get me wrong. But i think i have an extremely slow emotional transitional period from relationship to relationship. My friends completely pissed me off when me and first girlfriend broke up, and that made me really want to get in one as soon as possible! but now i feel like the break up is just now hitting me. I cant let her know. I can't tell anyone cause they dont really care. Is this what being an almost-adult is like? Just fucking yourself over and over and over? I wish someone would fuck me instead of me having nobody to blame but myself, at least then i could have something to hate; but we live and we learn.