maybe humans not such a bad thing to be

yesterday i had my first therapy session in five weeks, and i told her about my cat dying. and i guess i rushed the grieving process so much that i just started crying, and apologizing and its really hard for me to cry in front of others, but i really had thought that i was doing okay, but it kind of made me realize that when bad things happen in your life, or at least in mine, im conditioned to get over it soon because i would inconvenience others by being outward about my negative emotions, and it just came out. in that moment and i couldnt control it, and it felt nice to be told that there was nothing wrong with that, and i wasnt crazy for being upset with people around me for just being told it was gonna be okay and that ill basically get over it with time, and not everyone told me that but quite a few, and that just made me feel so angry, ive been so plauged with the idea that everyone and everything that i love is going to die eventually, and youd think that would make me appreciate and be closer to everyone more, but i just feel further, and i feel so bad about it, but im glad i can express my emotions once every other week without feeling like a burden.. because im paying to do it, but i dont wanna look at it that way lol

i also got lunch with my mom today, during her lunch break at work, it sucks that she tells me she dosent have much time but when i asked her if she had any updates and whats been going on in her life, she told me not much.. which didnt make much sense but whatever bro, i get such mixed signals from her but i dont really feel the need to worry about her anymore, and also uhh fuck i dont feel close to my mom at all anymore, i feel like im just performing, like how i feel with almost everyone, and i wanna stop feeling that way, i think that its my fault and i should just be myself but its so hard considering well my entire life and situations ive been through with people, but i dont think i would want to ever live without human connection and at the end of the day i live for that shit, and i need to stop sabotaging even just the opportunity of getting it, so im trying