Mental health rant since it's may and tbh I need to vent a lil.

Recently I've been feeling really "bleh" not just about life in general but mainly about my body which wasn't that unusual for me as a kid but as a grew up I grew out of those insecurities. At least I thought so till last week one of my online friends made a weak joke at my weight after I said I was comfortable about my weight and I feel like I normally would have let it rolled off my back since I've heard fat jokes since day one. I feel like normally it would have annoyed me a little but eventually I'd let it go, in the moment say something of the lines close to "Are you mad I'm chubby and happy or are you mad that you can't lift 188 pounds?" or whatever but it just really stuck to me since from he's told me he has some kind of romantic feelings for me and it just sent a really confusing and screwed up message to my brain whether he did genuinely mean it as a joke or not. So much so I had to go offline for a week or so because I just didn't feel like I was mentally able to talk to him about it without crying or getting way out of control with my words since while I was angry and hurt he doesn't deserve the words out of anger. 

I knew that since my last breakup I understand that it opened up a lot of wounds from childhood that I thought where healed but I don't think I fully understood how even after two years after breaking up and being alone all this time, while I have made a lot of headway with my self esteem and just mental image of life overall I still have some draw backs till now. While I understand healing isn't linear it's just hard to try and keep it in mind when it feels it's just a constant downgrade. Always the least expected thing to set me off and send me down. I guess it's just times like this where I have to find the gratitude in things, I have a roof over my head and while I feel like I've had more downs than ups that doesn't deny that I had ups in the first place. I have all my siblings, I still have my parents and grandparents. I do have friends while none IRL, that do care for me and would always send me things on disc on my break for when I came back which I really appreciate. It made me feel really remembered and happy that I didn't do what my depression wanted me to. I feel like it's just a good reminder of so far not just me but everyone here has survived 100% of their worst days so we really can make it out, can't we. :)  

((Girl why is it when I'm about to hit publish Chiquitita by ABBA,plays that's fuckin crazy TT.TT so imma though it in here bc why not lord Apollo says we're gonna make it out of here guys😭.))