mindless spew (ignore my moping..)

hello guys!!! this is pretty much the first blog i've ever written. im not exactly sure what to write, but maybe the words will flow as my fingers keep moving. im too lazy to bother with proper punctuation, but these squiggly lines are kinda bothering me. LET ME LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but whatevs, how are u guys?? i hope all of my 10 friends are doing well on this fine thursday morning ^o^ i honestly had to check my phone for the date, i cant believe its thursday already. lack of sleep often makes me lose track of time, and honestly, it doesnt matter what day it is or how late in the afternoon it is. im not exactly looking forward to anything, and im not exactly expecting anything to happen. anyone else feel stagnant?

its seriously boring being stuck in the house all day for my entire summer, but ive grown used to the feeling. maybe i can find solace in oversharing with strangers on the internet, but in hindsight, that definitely doesnt sound like a good idea. oh, what else is an angsty teenage girl supposed to do all day? things really do suck right now, and i feel really disconnected with my family. it doesnt sound like it, but its a good thing. lately, ive been feeling irrationally angry. my mom feels it too, so at least im not alone. im never alone anymore, and thats good. im glad that i dont have to hide the disdain i feel for the males in my life anymore, my dad and brothers are total douchebags. like father like son(s), amirite? im trying to stay positive but its getting harder when the future is rearing its ugly head and intimidating me with the unknown. i dont know where im going, i dont know when im going, and i dont know if i'll have the things i want to start school. especially a new hairstyle. i dont mind my pixie cut, but its growing out awkwardly. i want braids. and before any of you ask, yes, i am melanated... somewhat. im really pale for a half black girl, but thats probably because i dont get out much. isnt that kind of prissy, though? im worrying about if i'll have new clothes, a new backpack, and new hair. people are dying, kim... (get it?)

but seriously, ive been feeling extremely apathetic and sluggish. theres a lot of things id like to get off my chest but i probably cant. i keep feeling like somethings going to happen, and it scares me. i dont like tension. its making me feel like a little girl again, hiding in my moms closet with a rag over my mouth to stifle my sobs while my parents fought. except it isnt just my parents, but my brothers too. its just me and my mom now. we never were a real family. my brothers picked on me, my parents were emotionally absent, and i didnt have solid friends. i had one, but i grew up too fast and pushed her away. its a bad habit. i just feel helpless for some reason. maybe i just need to sleep. my mom told me that not sleeping at night like i should could make me depressed. shes a nurse, so she knows what shes talking about. i need to get my mind off things, go outside, exercise, do something that doesnt make me feel like jumping out of my bedroom window. my mom also said that it was good for me. i was doing good the last few days, sleeping early, taking my supplements, exercising, eating less, drinking enough water. i did feel happy, but i started to slip. so i just need to catch myself again.

sorry for being emo, but it does feel good to write every once in a while. my mom told me that journaling helps processing how i feel, but i cant seem to muster the will to pick up a piece of paper and a pen, so maybe this is a good alternative? i'll get out of this funk soon. i always do. bad things have to happen so good things can. the universe is always balanced, so you have to be, too. hopefully my next blog will be much more upbeat than this one, but no promises. xoxo