miss myself

i miss myself

if there even was a 'self' at some point.

and everything hurts at some point.

i look back, there's so many things that have changed. my eyes are heavy and liquid comes out of them, salty one. that doesnt change, of course.

after all, it doesnt change.

i see people doing big things. i am envious of them. should be me. i should be doing big things.

i look back again. i am doing things. big? i don't know.

my stomach hurts. the pain resolves. the sadness pushes up on my throat. all i want is to sing and make melodies with my fingers on those strings.

how many seconds to count? 

i care too much and i love too much until you fail me over time. after it, yes, i'm still here. not to love but to let you hurt me and i'll be there to watch it if you'll let me. if you don't disappear me.

i should have been more honest with the psychiatrist.

i dreamt about you. the one who will never read this. the one who has that picture with her. how can you look at her after everything? damn. i don't know if i want that. i don't. i just wish you werent on my mind. 

what we had was fleeting. that was all. yet here i am.

my stomach is killing me. a good or a bad sign after all. 

i wish you would tell me. 

you're stuck in my brain like a good memory. you were. like a document that is so important i can't release after all, even after i used it multiple times. 

my anxiety blooms and deflates over time, my depression does the same. are we ascending or not? 

it was a pleasure to lose myself and go crazy for you. i'd probably do it a thousand times even with everything after it. the sensation was addicting, i'm trying to find that.

i miss myself after all. i do not know who that is, probably him or you know it better than me. if i don't know who i am, how could you know, tho? 

things change in a matter of seconds and we changed in a matter of months. i see you and i in the same places we were when you were here. i try to find the same things and i sharply exhale. i wish we didn't damage what we had.

i wish we werent so young and naive after all. 

i watch the sky, the same as yours. the sun comes out for everyone. i can look at it and know that you'll look at it too, that should be enough. except it isnt.

i'm obligating myself and i can't anymore. i feel sad. i want to cry. i don't want your words, i want your warmth. i don't need your verbal soothing, it doesnt do anything. i'm craving something else. i know what you will tell me. always trying so hard after all. can you let us go? i won't. i said i won't. and i'm sure about those words. are you? 

is it better to speak or to die?

is it better to obligate or to know why?

is it better to pretend nothing's going on?

why are we lying to ourselves after all?

i'm sad. i can't touch you and you can't either. let's not pretend it's not an issue, please. i'm sick of doing so. 

is it better to lose myself and go crazy again?