Missing Her (｡Ó﹏Ò｡)

I had an odd dream last night. Of her.

 In the dream we ignored each other the whole time, and the air was tense since we were hanging out but not really. More like sitting in the same room and doing our own things in silence. The whole time I wished I could turn around and look her in the eye. I remember trying to find a color of rock that would match her eyes, but none of them were quite right. 

Despite how tense it was, I was content being able to be in her presence again, even if she was giving me the cold shoulder the whole time. 

I've been trying to deny it since April, but I really do miss her. What we had was deteriorating as the months passed by, but how can I let go of all of my firsts? I don't think I can stand this yearning for her back when she's moved on. 

She was the first person whose ever made my heart flutter, the first person that made me blush and laugh until my ribs ached and my cheeks burned, the first person who I ever dreamed of a future with, the first person who I could talk to until morning and still not be tired of, the first person who I wanted to better myself for. 

I've gotten better now. I'm ashamed that it took her leaving me for it to happen. I miss her a lot. I still find myself wanting to text her whenever it starts raining since she loves storms. I choke up whenever I see the color purple or snow leopards. I messed it up. I wish I had told her what I wanted to before I cut off all contact with her like a coward. I couldn't stand seeing her treat someone else the same way she used to treat me. My time ran out long before we broke up and I knew that. My biggest regret is my inaction. I never tried to stop it despite all of the warning signs. I was impassive to everything. I couldn't find the words, but I've seemed to find them far too late. 

I know I won't reach out again because I don't want to hurt her. I've hurt her enough. But sometimes I dream of it. I dream of us meeting again. I feel guilty for having these dreams because I know they wont ever happen, yet I can't help but roll the idea around in my head when I wake up and indulge myself in sleeping just a little bit longer in hopes of returning back to a place where she isn't so far out of reach.

I wonder if she ever still dreams of me. If she sees hamsters and the color orange and thinks of me. I wonder if whenever she hears thunder she remembers me. I wish I could tell her I'm not so scared of it as I used to be. That fear disappeared when the storms remind me of her and how much she loves them. I learned to love them for her. 

I miss my pretty bird and I feel so guilty for hoping that she might miss me too. I'll move on one day, but I don't think that day is anytime soon. 

Does this ache ever ease? ( ;´ - `;)