~ My fear of Dying + How its getting better but im working on it ~ Daily Blog

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Hi everyone sorry it took me literally forever to post another blog! And by forever I mean 2 days, but I'm back! 

I haven't done any sort of heavier topics on my blog, mostly because I just want to keep things positive and there's already enough negative content on the internet and I wouldn't like to add to it personally (especially on here). But I've been trying to think of things to write about and one of these things is the huge fear of dying that I had this past April through June. 

Let me also preface this with I am religious and I have certain views on the afterlife so the having the fear of dying, made me feel kind of guilty. Like I wasn't supposed to have that feeling, and I should be able to live my life without fearing what comes after. So that additional feeling of shame did not help my case. 

But I think during those months I just had a lot of death related, tragedy related, etc. content on my TikTok, my Instagram feed- just really anywhere and I think it started to get to me mentally and emotionally.

It also did not help that I was doing a lot of new things during that time, a lot of traveling, I was in the car, I went on an airplane, and I just feared everything. Even sounds. For example the sound of a whistle blowing, or the sound of something from far away getting closer, I don't really know how to explain it into words but just the sound of anything from far away getting closer- just scared the hell out of me.

I went to New York City this past June and the entire time, in the back of my mind, I was worried about something happening from overseas (if you know what I mean) because that would technically be the first place they would go due to the population. And it was a new place, I didn't know anybody, I didn't know where things were, and I was just very fearful the entire time of something bad happening to me or my boyfriend. Most of these fears only happened at night time, naturally, but during the day I would just hear things coming from far away and then I would kind of just stand in fear waiting for something. I guess the best way to explain it would be for those two months I was in flight or freeze 24/7. Which is a miserable way to live to be honest. 

Then on the way home I had probably one of the worst flights out of New York I've ever had. I've flown only a handful of times but that was most definitely the bumpiest flight ever. The turbulence was terrible and we had to keep the window shades closed so I also felt claustrophobia for the first time in my life. Also the entire day things just weren't going right, they ended up having to take my carry-on bag because I accidentally put on a checked bag tag on it, so they actually took the bag as we were boarding the plane and inside were my most important things including my childhood stuffed animal. Which I know sounds stupid to be so upset about but honestly it just did not start the flight off on the right foot. My boyfriend said that at some point I passed out for like 2 seconds and then came back. I was putting so much stress into my body and my head specifically, I was just super tensed up and it caused me to pass out for a couple seconds. And every once in a while the plane would dip down because of the turbulence and I genuinely thought it was over. Which looking back it was dramatic of me, but in the moment I actually thought the plane was going down and I couldn't relax. Of course, I didn't cause a scene or anything I just stayed very tensed up in my seat quietly crying and shaking. 

But since then it's been a couple of weeks since I've felt extremely fearful of my life over the smallest things. I'm not quite sure what happened, I think I've just kind of settled down and I have stopped engaging with very devastating, stress-inducing, etc. content and that honestly has been helping the most.

 So I guess if you're also struggling with the same feelings of extreme fear and keeping yourself from doing normal things out of fear, my advice to you would be to change your algorithms and use different photo-based social media platforms like Pinterest, Vsco, and maybe Tumblr if you can find the right pages.

 I also stopped using my phone at a certain time of night because tiktok seems to know when I'm trying to settle down, and so they show me very triggering videos to keep me from going to sleep and turning off my phone. We obviously know that tiktok will do whatever it takes to keep you scrolling and they seem to know when I see one sad video I keep scrolling to find something happy only to be pulled down some rabbit hole of devastation.

So I've made up a rule for myself that once my Tiktok starts to show me sad violent things to immediately turn off my phone or go on to Pinterest and that has seemed to actually help.  

I also do not recommend going to a 9/11 Museum right before going on an airplane the next day, I definitely think that played a factor in my breakdown on the flight lol. 

I'm still struggling with not getting afraid over sounds, for some reason a lot of my fear stems from hearing things that I'm unsure of, like sirens, whistles, stuff like that. But whenever I hear something that startles me, I've just been pausing taking a couple deep breaths and just kind of waiting it out or do the opposite of that and put on headphones and distract myself. 

But let me know in the replies if you guys have gone through the same thing recently I feel like I'm not alone on this lol.

Okay bye <3

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